Submissive Wife

I have often seen men stating they want a return to traditional marriage where the man is the head of the household. This is a romanticized image of the woman being submissive to the man. In the wife's role of being submissive to the man, he is in CHARGE. But I ask the man in charge of what?

LEADING and DECISION making is a grave responsibility with lasting consequences. I lead and make several life decisions which does not require anyone to be submissive. I make choices and go about living in those choices receiving the rewards, benefits, or negative consequences of my actions lived out by my decisions. 

A husband, it seems, must have AGREEMENT, not submission, to be head of a household. A wife must make a DECISION to allow the care of herself and of their future children to be the husband's responsibility. This decision of the woman to give complete responsibility of her life to the man should be decided before the two people marry. A man who expects to be the head of the household should ONLY marry a woman who has made this decision for HER life. It cannot and should not be decided or expected after a marriage. MARRIAGE in of itself is an AGREEMENT between two people to be committed to each other until death separates them.

I have read many times where the man complains the woman will not ALLOW him to make decisions. As, a once upon a time soldier, I never heard a general say his soldiers would not allow him to make decisions. As a mother, I have never complained my children did not allow me to make a decision. For some, LEADERS are not born but are made. For others, leaders are BORN and not made. No matter which statement is true, the definition of a LEADER is paramount.  

When I say the Bible has examples for all circumstances in life; you can believe me, it does. 

In the book of Esther, King Xerxes was showing off his vast wealth to all the nobles, officials, military leaders of Persia and Media, and princes. Xerxes ruled over 127 provinces stretching from India to the upper Nile region known at that time as Cush. This had to be a man competent in making wise life altering decisions. His display of his wealth lasted 180 days. After the 180-day display of his wealth King Xerxes gave a banquet in his garden lasting for seven days. 

To this banquet he invited the everyday individual as well as the powerful. Wine flowed freely during the banquet. While the king was entertaining the drunken men, Queen Vashti, the king's wife, held a banquet for the women, wives of the men at the king's banquet, in the royal palace. On the last day of the king's banquet a drunken King Xerxes ordered his seven eunuchs to bring his wife bedecked in her crown so he could display her to the other men as he had done with all of his riches (property). The king was angered when his beautiful wife refused to be displayed to his court of drunken guests. 

The king asked seven wise men, nobles, from Persia and Media what must he do to his wife for disobeying his command. The wise men told the king not only did his royal wife insult him by not obeying his request for her to be trotted out in front of the drunken party attendees but insulted every man present and if he let his wife go unpunished other women would do as Vashti and disobey their husbands. Submission of the wife MUST be upheld, and emasculation of the man never accepted. The wise men advised her punishment must be public, made into a newly constructed law, and severe to instill fear. 

The king decided Queen Vashti would no longer be allowed in his presence and her position as queen was now to be given to someone else. A proclamation went forth throughout the entire land that from the least to the greatest, every man should be ruler over his own household (Esther 1:1ff). In this story the position of the woman is not even considered. She, the queen, was no more than a possession of the king and subject to his authority without agreement. 

Any husband following God, it seems to me, would not want to parade his wife, who we guess he loves, in front of a crowd of drunken men. We understand that Vashti was disobedient to her husband but WHAT WAS THE KING? This DECISION the king made had nothing to do with the welfare of his wife, children, or family. The wise men the king consulted were not concerned with a MARRIAGE but concerned about making sure their own wives remained obedient/submissive. In this entire account, the men did not display any wisdom even though they were in leadership positions within their family. When a couple married in the Old Testament, God declared the two became one. I wonder if the king would have paraded himself around in front of a drunken hoard of people at the Queen's request.

 I also wonder when the Old Testament defined the Proverbs woman as a jewel was Vashti trying to live up to that standard and not let herself be trotted around men for their carnal delight? Who in this chapter of Esther was behaving in accordance with God's commands? How far must a wife go in being obedient/submissive to her husband? As a leader of his household was the king bringing dishonor to his household? 

Also in the Old Testament of the Christian Bible we are introduced to Nabal who was a wealthy man married to Abigail. David and his army, while in his time of fleeing from King Saul who wanted to murder David, came into the territory where Nabal lived. David sent a messenger to Nabel reminding him that his army did not harm any of his servants when they had come upon them and asked for whatever he could spare for him and his soldiers to eat at sheep shearing time, which David called a festive time. Nabal replied with a stern NO to David's request for any food he could spare.

David, a future king, not the least bit happy with this reply, gathered 400 men armed with swords and headed out to have a face to face with Nabal. A servant of Nabal's told his wife Abigail of the exchange between her husband and the messenger refusing the future king David's request for food. Abigail wasted no time. She gathered 200 loaves of bread, 2 skins of wine, 5 dressed sheep, 5 bushels of roasted grain, 100 cakes of raisins, and 200 cakes of pressed figs loaded them on a donkey and headed out to find David. She did all of this without telling her husband of her plans. 

She found David, pleaded her case referring to her husband Nabal as a wicked man and accurately named - FOOL which the name Nabal actually meant. David blessed her and let her know she stopped the bloodshed of her husband, their household and people with her wise actions. When she returned home, her husband was drunk. The next day she told him what she had done and 10 days later Nabal fell dead; struck dead by the Lord. When David heard Abigail's husband had died, he sent word asking this wise woman to be his wife (1 Samuel 25:ff).  

Here we have two examples of women who thought for themselves. Which woman was more of a Godly woman? Being the head of a household does not mean you are bestowed with infinite wisdom. Being the head of a household does not mean you are even wise. A LEADER understands the imperative of safety, welfare, and security of those who they lead. Leadership is more of a burden than a gift. The leader has to make tough decisions that ensures longevity of those being led and when the decision being made has negative consequences they do their utmost to turn it around. Those being led run to the leader BECAUSE of their competency in making decisions. Enforced submission is not needed.

As I said earlier, a HUSBAND (not boyfriend or man co-habituating) should marry a WIFE who agrees before marriage for him to lead the household. Before he marries he should make sure he is a person who: has PURPOSE, MOTIVATION, VISION, and ACCOUNTABILITY for his decisions. He must have the qualities of a leader;

1.    They are self-aware and prioritizes development of those he leads to make sound decision for                 themselves.

2.    Encourage strategic thinking, innovation, and action of those he leads

3.    They are ethical and civic minded

4.    They practice effective cross-cultural communication broadening experiences and ideas of the               family

5.    Inspires passion and motivates those he leads

6.    Has a vision and the path to realizing the vision

7.    Ensures those led have the support and tools needed to achieve goals as individuals and as a family

8.    Has shared visions aligned with core values and understands it takes a team to reach them

9.    Empowers those led to embrace their own unique leadership qualities

It is important to note good leaders seek wise counsel and resources to aid in decision making. I would hope the first and often turned to wise counsel is his wife. He should have selected a woman to be his wife, life partner, co-parents whom he could trust and rely on to make important decisions. Both the husband and wife should live with the knowledge they are stronger together. The two separate entities become one working towards common goals beneficial to the family unit. Becoming the head of a household begins before there is a household.