Broken Heart

When it comes to love, the matters of the heart, we tend not to share any embarrassing details. We secret away intimate details from family and friends even when we share our feelings of loving and losing at love. Many love lost stories become skeletons in the closets. To have a skeleton in the closet means to have secrets and other past memories that you'd prefer to keep hidden from the world which may be embarrassing or scandalous. This term, "skeletons in the closet" first appeared in 19th Century in England. When actor Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for all the world to see, he must have feared skeletons he had would be dug up by those who thought his actions "in the name of love" were a crime and he should face the consequences. But many of us have done things in the name of love to keep someone and we would cringe if they were found out. Will Smith has garnered the label of being his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith's, fool and considered a joke for remaining in that relationship.

When entering into a new relationship, people will tend to admit they have been hurt before and approach love with caution. Many call such admissions or define these admissions as someone bringing baggage into the new relationship. For me there is a difference between bagage and skeletons. The baggage can be seen but the skeletons in a closet cannot be seen. Baggage is filled with possible negative things/experiences that shape how you behave and interact with people. Skeletons are things/experiences that if known, cause humiliation. We can unpack baggage but humiliation, especially when it comes to love, what we did for love, overlooked red flags, or how we behaved when love was lost, is something we don't want the light of day to see.

Tell the truth. If I were to check out your closet of skeletons I would probably find a broken heart hiding amongst your many bones of secrets you don't want the world to see or know about. There is always the ghost of the one who got away, or the one you made a complete fool of yourself for in the name/game of love. For some, there is a skeleton hanging in their closet of the first ONE who claimed their virginity with an oath never to love another only to have loved many more at the same time while loving you. 

Then of course, there may be a skeleton in your closet from the time YOU mistreated someone in the idleness of your youth you don't want any future potential loves to find out about. No matter what the case may be, past relationships can leave injuries to the heart that never quite heal. 

Some people have become the walking dead because they have so many bones in their closet that rattle in their mind. Strings of relationships gone bad. If you know the children's song of the "leg bone is connected to knee bone, the knee bone is connected to the thigh bone" etc. you then can understand how broken hearted from love skeletons in the closet can affect the entirety of a person. 

We are tempted at times to peek into our own closet of ghosts (ex's) to revisit those old loves to see have they changed, evolved into what we wished they would have been while you two were in a relationship. We go through their Facebook posts to see if they are in a new relationship. We must know if the person they are with is prettier than we are. We search the comments on posts to see who LIKES the ex's posted pictures and who commented with heart emojis. After searching online every potential love interest our ex may have we end up beating ourselves disappointed in ourselves for wondering and looking. 

Love's heartbreak wounds oozes, always feeling as fresh as the day they were born. There is a song that asks, "What becomes of the broken hearted?" There are several choices: the broken hearted can become an angry hard-hearted person looking for love in all the wrong places or a person continually feeling they are forever unlovable because THE ONE they wanted love from did not share their feelings. 

I have a wound from an ex who was not truly an ex. It's complicated as most relationships that do not work out are. After years of living separate lives, I believed we could become friends. Older and wiser with life lessons learned, I believed the new improved me lived in the present and the past was in the past.

The problem. In my mind and heart, the ex has been petrified in time. I only see and hear the old version that I had feelings of love for. I still see and hear the young man my heart longed for. There is no lust or hope for a relationship there, but all of his faults and shortcomings from the past scream out as we try to be friends in the present. Now, whose problem is this; mines or his?

The problem with wounds that do not heal belongs to the person with the wounds. We all carry battle scars; it's part of living. But lost loves and past loves should just be that: PAST. A person won't win a prize for being able to be in the ex's presence without any residual emotion. It is not an important prize to want to win. Ex's are ex's for a reason -- they were not the ONE.  

Now I'm talking about bad breakups, not amicable ones. I'm not talking about unforgiveness, because forgiveness of others is essential to peace. I am talking about wounds and scars of the heart. Revisiting the holder of the knife or gun is never a good thing and should be approached with caution. I am talking about taking care of yourself first in a healthy way. Until you reach the point where you wish the ex well in life whether that includes you or not; stay away! Even then you may come to realize wishing them well actually does not include you because you are not the one they want in that capacity, not even as a friend.

Everyone deserves to be loved passionately and unconditionally. Returning to an ex only blocks that person in your future waiting to love you the first go round. 

Back to the subject of ex's as friends. Do I really need another friend? Do I really need an ex as a friend? There was no interest in me or my life the first go round and I have no interest presenting for a second time a new improved me for appraisal. I am thankful this particular wound that will not heal is one and not several. I've met many more men who did not wound me. It was one knife, one time, one person. Ever seen someone with multiple gunshot wounds? I think you would tell them not to be around the shooter. We live, we learn, we live some more. The best we can ever hope for is not to live in the pain of yesterday nor the fear of tomorrow, but the reality of today. Today there is not a knife or gun.

Do you know how not to accumulate heart-break skeletons in the closet? Because there are differing reasons why one person falls in love and the other person in the relationship doesn't, makes relationships a gamble. A woman or man can be the complete package of desirability and love just doesn't happen. But the way that a person responds to a break-up can be controlled so it does not spin into actions that lead to embarrassment and humiliation. Going on social media demonizing the ex, slashing tires, fighting the ex's new love in the streets, and stalking are not the answer. 

Even when others do not know about your skeletons, you run the risk of repeating the actions which led you to have the skeletons. So, what to do when your heart is broken?

1.    Allow yourself to feel your feelings because a breakup is a trauma, at times a shock and you will go through the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. It is in these stages you may find yourself doing desperate things to keep or win back your love interest. And if you don't allow yourself to go through these stages you may do crazy things to keep or win back your ex. BE CAREFUL.

2.    Don't become your feeling. Be angry with a time limit. Don't become an angry person. Be sad with a time limit. don't become a sad person. Be bitter with a time limit. don't become a bitter person.

3.    Cut off communication with your ex.

4.    Find a support system.

5.    Exercise

6.    Remember what sucked in the relationship or about the ex

7.    Take care of yourself

8.    Don't judge the length of your healing process

9.    Don't internalize the breakup wondering were you not pretty or smart etc.

10.  Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors you may have

11.  Create new routines

12.  Explore old and new interests

13.  Accept closure is something you may need to find on your own

14.  If you decide to date do so cautiously. You should not jump back into dating if you just don't want to be alone. You should allow yourself to heal and have reflection on who you are and what you want in relationships

15.  Trust that the pain won't last forever

16.  Down the road, reflect on positive things.

If you find yourself saying all men or women are dogs that cheat or use people, you may still have some open wounds. If you find yourself continually doing crazy things with each breakup adding to your closet of skeletons, you may still have some open wounds. Like I said earlier, we all bring some baggage into a relationship that can be unpacked. But the broken-hearted skeletons in our closet are of a different nature and all we can do about them is not add any more to the pile of bones. 

If your skeleton is hiding how an ex treated you badly and you put up with it for a long time, just know you were not the first person this happened to and you won't be the last an ex humiliated. Hopefully you graduated with diploma in hand setting standards and boundaries for yourself in future relationships. A person with a degree in love become a better person not a bitter person.