Submissive Wife

I have often seen men stating they want a return to traditional marriage where the man is the head of the household. This is a romanticized image of the woman being submissive to the man. In the wife's role of being submissive to the man, he is in CHARGE. But I ask the man in charge of what?

LEADING and DECISION making is a grave responsibility with lasting consequences. I lead and make several life decisions which does not require anyone to be submissive. I make choices and go about living in those choices receiving the rewards, benefits, or negative consequences of my actions lived out by my decisions. 

A husband, it seems, must have AGREEMENT, not submission, to be head of a household. A wife must make a DECISION to allow the care of herself and of their future children to be the husband's responsibility. This decision of the woman to give complete responsibility of her life to the man should be decided before the two people marry. A man who expects to be the head of the household should ONLY marry a woman who has made this decision for HER life. It cannot and should not be decided or expected after a marriage. MARRIAGE in of itself is an AGREEMENT between two people to be committed to each other until death separates them.

I have read many times where the man complains the woman will not ALLOW him to make decisions. As, a once upon a time soldier, I never heard a general say his soldiers would not allow him to make decisions. As a mother, I have never complained my children did not allow me to make a decision. For some, LEADERS are not born but are made. For others, leaders are BORN and not made. No matter which statement is true, the definition of a LEADER is paramount.  

When I say the Bible has examples for all circumstances in life; you can believe me, it does. 

In the book of Esther, King Xerxes was showing off his vast wealth to all the nobles, officials, military leaders of Persia and Media, and princes. Xerxes ruled over 127 provinces stretching from India to the upper Nile region known at that time as Cush. This had to be a man competent in making wise life altering decisions. His display of his wealth lasted 180 days. After the 180-day display of his wealth King Xerxes gave a banquet in his garden lasting for seven days. 

To this banquet he invited the everyday individual as well as the powerful. Wine flowed freely during the banquet. While the king was entertaining the drunken men, Queen Vashti, the king's wife, held a banquet for the women, wives of the men at the king's banquet, in the royal palace. On the last day of the king's banquet a drunken King Xerxes ordered his seven eunuchs to bring his wife bedecked in her crown so he could display her to the other men as he had done with all of his riches (property). The king was angered when his beautiful wife refused to be displayed to his court of drunken guests. 

The king asked seven wise men, nobles, from Persia and Media what must he do to his wife for disobeying his command. The wise men told the king not only did his royal wife insult him by not obeying his request for her to be trotted out in front of the drunken party attendees but insulted every man present and if he let his wife go unpunished other women would do as Vashti and disobey their husbands. Submission of the wife MUST be upheld, and emasculation of the man never accepted. The wise men advised her punishment must be public, made into a newly constructed law, and severe to instill fear. 

The king decided Queen Vashti would no longer be allowed in his presence and her position as queen was now to be given to someone else. A proclamation went forth throughout the entire land that from the least to the greatest, every man should be ruler over his own household (Esther 1:1ff). In this story the position of the woman is not even considered. She, the queen, was no more than a possession of the king and subject to his authority without agreement. 

Any husband following God, it seems to me, would not want to parade his wife, who we guess he loves, in front of a crowd of drunken men. We understand that Vashti was disobedient to her husband but WHAT WAS THE KING? This DECISION the king made had nothing to do with the welfare of his wife, children, or family. The wise men the king consulted were not concerned with a MARRIAGE but concerned about making sure their own wives remained obedient/submissive. In this entire account, the men did not display any wisdom even though they were in leadership positions within their family. When a couple married in the Old Testament, God declared the two became one. I wonder if the king would have paraded himself around in front of a drunken hoard of people at the Queen's request.

 I also wonder when the Old Testament defined the Proverbs woman as a jewel was Vashti trying to live up to that standard and not let herself be trotted around men for their carnal delight? Who in this chapter of Esther was behaving in accordance with God's commands? How far must a wife go in being obedient/submissive to her husband? As a leader of his household was the king bringing dishonor to his household? 

Also in the Old Testament of the Christian Bible we are introduced to Nabal who was a wealthy man married to Abigail. David and his army, while in his time of fleeing from King Saul who wanted to murder David, came into the territory where Nabal lived. David sent a messenger to Nabel reminding him that his army did not harm any of his servants when they had come upon them and asked for whatever he could spare for him and his soldiers to eat at sheep shearing time, which David called a festive time. Nabal replied with a stern NO to David's request for any food he could spare.

David, a future king, not the least bit happy with this reply, gathered 400 men armed with swords and headed out to have a face to face with Nabal. A servant of Nabal's told his wife Abigail of the exchange between her husband and the messenger refusing the future king David's request for food. Abigail wasted no time. She gathered 200 loaves of bread, 2 skins of wine, 5 dressed sheep, 5 bushels of roasted grain, 100 cakes of raisins, and 200 cakes of pressed figs loaded them on a donkey and headed out to find David. She did all of this without telling her husband of her plans. 

She found David, pleaded her case referring to her husband Nabal as a wicked man and accurately named - FOOL which the name Nabal actually meant. David blessed her and let her know she stopped the bloodshed of her husband, their household and people with her wise actions. When she returned home, her husband was drunk. The next day she told him what she had done and 10 days later Nabal fell dead; struck dead by the Lord. When David heard Abigail's husband had died, he sent word asking this wise woman to be his wife (1 Samuel 25:ff).  

Here we have two examples of women who thought for themselves. Which woman was more of a Godly woman? Being the head of a household does not mean you are bestowed with infinite wisdom. Being the head of a household does not mean you are even wise. A LEADER understands the imperative of safety, welfare, and security of those who they lead. Leadership is more of a burden than a gift. The leader has to make tough decisions that ensures longevity of those being led and when the decision being made has negative consequences they do their utmost to turn it around. Those being led run to the leader BECAUSE of their competency in making decisions. Enforced submission is not needed.

As I said earlier, a HUSBAND (not boyfriend or man co-habituating) should marry a WIFE who agrees before marriage for him to lead the household. Before he marries he should make sure he is a person who: has PURPOSE, MOTIVATION, VISION, and ACCOUNTABILITY for his decisions. He must have the qualities of a leader;

1.    They are self-aware and prioritizes development of those he leads to make sound decision for                 themselves.

2.    Encourage strategic thinking, innovation, and action of those he leads

3.    They are ethical and civic minded

4.    They practice effective cross-cultural communication broadening experiences and ideas of the               family

5.    Inspires passion and motivates those he leads

6.    Has a vision and the path to realizing the vision

7.    Ensures those led have the support and tools needed to achieve goals as individuals and as a family

8.    Has shared visions aligned with core values and understands it takes a team to reach them

9.    Empowers those led to embrace their own unique leadership qualities

It is important to note good leaders seek wise counsel and resources to aid in decision making. I would hope the first and often turned to wise counsel is his wife. He should have selected a woman to be his wife, life partner, co-parents whom he could trust and rely on to make important decisions. Both the husband and wife should live with the knowledge they are stronger together. The two separate entities become one working towards common goals beneficial to the family unit. Becoming the head of a household begins before there is a household.

INTERVIEW: Deb Wilk, bipolar disorder

WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY WITH WOMEN

I have the absolute honor of introducing writer and children's author Deb Wilk who has been diagnosed as having BIPOLAR DISORDER. She is my first interviewee on this mental health condition and I could not have wished for a better person to interview on this subject. In her interview she is candid and insightful about every aspect of living with bipolar disorder. I have often said mental illness can not be understood by a non-sufferer if the sufferer themselves don't understand how the illness affects them. Deb Wilk is completely in tune with herself as she lives a fulfilling happy life managing a chronic health condition enabling her to be an invaluable resource on the subject for others through her blog. I cannot express enough what a gem of a interview this first of many interviews, I hope, on Bipolar Disorder is for my blog audience who have been diagnosed with this illness or know someone with this illness.

1.      When were you formally diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and did you accept the diagnosis at that time?

I was formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 37. I did accept my diagnosis gratefully. I had known that I was mentally ill from the time I was 17 and had been searching for a diagnosis. Finding that diagnosis after two decades of suffering was actually a relief.

2.      Did you have preconceived ideas about mental illness before your diagnosis?

I had no preconceived ideas about mental illness in general before my diagnosis. The only preconceived idea I had was the personal knowledge that I, myself was mentally ill.

3.      Did you immediately share your diagnosis with family, friends, or romantic interest?

My husband was with me on my journey to discover what was “wrong” with me. So, he knew immediately when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I did not share my diagnosis with anyone else at all. Little by little, I told family members about the illness. This was mostly because my moods and behaviors made it difficult to hide the diagnosis. I now share the diagnosis with everyone who will “listen” through my blog.

4.      Did you have to adjust your lifestyle/career/parenting/social life due to bipolar disorder?

I had to adjust everything due to bipolar disorder. I had to learn to live life in moderation, careful to adjust my sleep cycle, my diet and exercise, and to guard against anything that might trigger a manic or depressive episode. Socially, I had to gather a “support network” of special friends and family around me who were loving, supportive, and who would be honest with me if they felt that my moods might be degenerating. As a parent, I had to learn to be far more patient and reasonable than I had been prior to my diagnosis and treatment. My career had always been tricky. I was a workaholic in both school and in my early career. This fueled my mania, which further fueled my workaholism. It worked for me until I crashed. I had to learn to slow down. That was even more difficult than the manic-workaholic cycle.

5.      How does the mania side affect you as well as the depressive side or show up in your life?

Occasionally, mania has given me tremendous energy that makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. This is especially true when I am working on some type of creative or work-related project. However, more often than not, I am extremely irritable and unfocused when I am manic. Due to the fact that I am working on many creative projects these days, I must control this mood state with the coping skills I’ve learned so I don’t transition to mania. Depressive episodes are more common and harder to control. For instance, I went through an episode a year ago that lasted for nearly 6 months and was unable to do much of anything. (This was caused by the fact that I stopped taking an anti-depressant “booster” medication.) Depression is far more sneaky than mania. I don’t always feel it coming.

6.      One thing about being bipolar is guilt/regret about certain actions you may have done during mania/depression. Have you experienced this? Share if you can.

I feel regret about so many things I did when I was manic. There were too many violent episodes to count, particularly directed against my husband. I am blessed in that he has always stood by me and never held any of those actions against me, understanding that it was the illness, not me, doing the things that I did. The one thing I deeply regret is that I was not a good mother to my children prior to diagnosis and stabilization. Although they have forgiven me and also understand that the illness drove my behavior, they are clearly scarred. I will never forgive myself for that. 

7.      Do you have to have a recovery time/period? If so, how important is it to your well-being?

Although I had that one bout of depression last year, my moods are normally very stable. I take very good care of myself and do everything I’m supposed to do. On a very regular basis, I meditate, practice deep breathing and yoga, and spend quiet time alone. I write a lot and do additional things that make me happy. Doing this consistently is terrific for my well-being.

8.      Bipolar disorder is difficult to treat with medicine. Everyone is different and usually must try out several medications or a cocktail of medications. Have you experienced this and how did it affect you going through trial and error of taking different medications?

I am on a cocktail of 6 different medications. It took an exceedingly long time to get this cocktail exactly right and I’m not exaggerating when I say it was probably 4 - 6 years before it worked well. We had to start with one medication, swap it for a different one, and adjust dosages. Then we tried another and adjusted dosages again. This continued ad nauseam. Sometimes when a new medication was added, an old medication had to be dropped. I have always had difficulty finding medications that fight my depression. Even now, we have had to add a “booster” medication to help the anti-depressants. That one is a miracle. I was never affected physically going through the trial and error of taking different medications, just mentally when a new medication did not have the desired effect. The disappointment was crushing because the process was so long. The cocktail I am on now, however, has been a game changer for me.  

9.      At this point in your life do you believe your bipolar disorder is managed? If not do you believe it can be? Are you able to live an enjoyable life now?

My bipolar disorder is exceedingly well managed, and I am leading a wonderful life. My husband and I are retired now and are having a great time together. We share many common interests but give each other space as well. In that space, I spend a lot of time writing. I have my blog, but I also have a children’s novel, “The Cottage at Clover Hill”, with a publisher. And I am working with an editor to put a book on bipolar disorder together, too. When I’m not doing that, my husband and I are living at our vacation home on the rocky coast of Maine or enjoying our peaceful Victorian in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. We like to travel extensively as well. Yes, it’s a wonderful life.

I live in Laconia, New Hampshire, USA. I also have a vacation home in Wells, Maine, USA

My social media platforms are: Twitter: Deb Wilk@LivingBipolar   FB: livingpbdeb    LivingBipolar blog: https://livingbipolar.blog 

Please show Deb Wilk support by commenting, sharing, and following her on her social media.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN WEDNESDAY WITH WOMEN DM me or e-mail me at rizerfall@yahoo.com. 

 

Sexual Desirability of Women Decline

 

What does it mean when the Red Pill community says a woman "hits the wall?" If you have been following my blog, you know there is a community called the Red Pill. This group originated on Reddit and became a place for men who believed the ills of society were caused by women and now men are not allowed to complain about the chaos women have created to vent. They also believe society favors women over men in many areas especially in the judicial system.

Many of the Red Pill men are confused and frustrated in the dating arena by the way women choose to reject and accept the men they date. This frustration has turned into hostility towards women in the way men view and define today's woman. The men have developed a new vocabulary describing women and the men who interact with them. Various strategies have been proposed by men for men in how to get and keep a woman. 

The group has developed a hypothesis stating a woman hits A WALL. Hitting the wall means:

1.    A point at which a woman is no longer sexually desirable to men

2.    Her looks and shapely figure has faded, and with it the power she had to command money, attention, and expensive dates from men.

The Wall Theory is based on the assumption women, in their youth, could give the slightest hint that sex may be on the table and that was enough of a motivation to get horny men to do almost anything. The youthful manipulative woman would play the gullible men with the promise of sex. The young woman would wear revealing clothing, short dresses, swish their hips, and stare at men seductively to get any and everything she wanted. Her promise of sex allowed her access to vacations, material items, even the ultimate sacrifice of marriage from men. 

This theory puts forth the notion that women hit the Wall after age 26 because at age 18-25 her attractiveness has peaked and beginning at age 26 her attractiveness starts to decline. A woman's Sexual Market Value (SMV), to men who find her attractive and who she can use the promise of sex declines in the dating market. Once she reaches the age of 30-35, her SMV is shot, and she has to settle for a "Nice Guy" in hopes of having a comfortable life.

This community of men believes the opposite happens to men. Around 30 the men start hitting their stride in terms of looks, social status, and money. A man 30-35 is the most confident, handsome, and successful making him more desirable to women. The 30–35-year-old man chooses to date younger women leaving the 30 something year old woman out in the cold. The 30 something year old woman is therefore in a panic to try to get a man. This group believes the Wall for men is age 50 when women no longer find them attractive.

Should women be in a panic fearing this WALL at age 30 and beyond? I believe everyone at some age acknowledges the fading of their youthful looks, but many embrace their mature beauty. Sexiness is not a number. and to be fair, if a woman uses sex to get what she wants you better believe she can do it at any age. Today's grandmother looks nothing like the grandma of the 70's or 80's. The definition of what makes a woman attractive has changed due to the fact women are attractive physically at a range of ages. Beauty is measured beyond the pretty face to include intelligence and personality. The pool of beautiful women is so prominent until the standard had to include more attributes beyond the "pretty face."

The women who Red Pill men have labeled as the prime woman to date realize these men are hyper-sexualized and bounce from one woman to the next in recreational sex and they are not interested in them either as a mate. Men are not proposing to women in the age range of 18-25 when they as they say are at their peak of attractiveness, let alone women ages 26-30. There is an incorrect assumption by men that women are using their time/sexual peak to play around and manipulate men as long as they can. It is men whom history speaks of as sowing their wild oats, not women. Studies have shown women want relationships and get emotionally involved in sexual relationships when for men, they can have sexual encounters without emotional attachment.

Red Pill men believe their Wall is at age 50 when they are less desired by women. I believe men hit an earlier wall of undesirability. Young men ages 18-27 spend these years trying to earn quick money straight out of high school to spend on going out prowling for women with their male friends and hitting the club scene. Their boy group is important to them for socializing. The young men 18-27 have a group of guy friends they enjoy spending their time with talking about women and sports. The money of the youthful male is spent on his vehicle, video games, and for some the best footwear like Jordans. Here and there they have fathered a child or two. 

Once these young men realize their male friends no longer offer the type of companionship that goes beyond fun, they then want a lasting relationship with a woman. This is where their Wall comes into play. Because the young men sowed his wild oats with encouragement by society with no thought for his future, he is not a good candidate for marriage. He still lives at home with his mother, does not have a job which allows him to have an apartment or home to bring a wife to, and has several baby mommas and child support lessening his monetary value, women are turned off by him. Men in their late 20's are in a panic after wasting their youth playing around with other men. 

Statistic and research show women are graduating college in record numbers preparing for their financial future while men of the same age say they don't attend college because they don't want to, see no value in it, and finances prevents them from doing so. So, if women hit a Wall around the age of 26-35 due to fading beauty, men hit a Wall around the age of 27-35 due to financial inadequacy. The existence of the Red Pill community demonstrates there is a panic among men ages 27-35 also.

It seems both sexes are finding the dating world difficult from the ages 26 and beyond for various reasons. There may be a number of hypotheses floating around for the reason why it's hard to find a mate. While researching my book Manhood Interrupted An Answer For The Red Pill Man I found that it is the criteria we are demanding a potential mate must have that is the problem.  

Social media has introduced us to the most beautiful men and women we have ever seen right at our fingertips. In our consumer age, the 21st Century, we believe we should have the best of everything. Top quality. We, ourselves may not be top quality but we feel entitled to the best. I use top quality and best loosely just because someone is beautiful does not make them the best or top quality. But our eyes have come to lead our brains. A person of good character is overshadowed by our desire to have a trophy mate. Companionship and unconditional love no longer rank higher than looks and money. The decline is not in the other person but in ourselves. If we had to honestly rank our own attractiveness it may be a solid 4 or 5, but we want a person ranking 10 or above. We are the reason/source for our own disappointment in the dating game.

It seems to bring the single man joy that the 30 something single woman is struggling to find a suitable mate. But isn't it a situation where the pot is calling the kettle black?

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MY SOON TO BE RELEASED BOOK: Manhood Interrupted An Answer For the Red Pill Man. DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW ME TO GET MY LATEST BLOG POST AND COMMENT TO LET ME KNOW YOU'RE ENJOYING MY POSTS 

 

Broken Heart

When it comes to love, the matters of the heart, we tend not to share any embarrassing details. We secret away intimate details from family and friends even when we share our feelings of loving and losing at love. Many love lost stories become skeletons in the closets. To have a skeleton in the closet means to have secrets and other past memories that you'd prefer to keep hidden from the world which may be embarrassing or scandalous. This term, "skeletons in the closet" first appeared in 19th Century in England. When actor Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for all the world to see, he must have feared skeletons he had would be dug up by those who thought his actions "in the name of love" were a crime and he should face the consequences. But many of us have done things in the name of love to keep someone and we would cringe if they were found out. Will Smith has garnered the label of being his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith's, fool and considered a joke for remaining in that relationship.

When entering into a new relationship, people will tend to admit they have been hurt before and approach love with caution. Many call such admissions or define these admissions as someone bringing baggage into the new relationship. For me there is a difference between bagage and skeletons. The baggage can be seen but the skeletons in a closet cannot be seen. Baggage is filled with possible negative things/experiences that shape how you behave and interact with people. Skeletons are things/experiences that if known, cause humiliation. We can unpack baggage but humiliation, especially when it comes to love, what we did for love, overlooked red flags, or how we behaved when love was lost, is something we don't want the light of day to see.

Tell the truth. If I were to check out your closet of skeletons I would probably find a broken heart hiding amongst your many bones of secrets you don't want the world to see or know about. There is always the ghost of the one who got away, or the one you made a complete fool of yourself for in the name/game of love. For some, there is a skeleton hanging in their closet of the first ONE who claimed their virginity with an oath never to love another only to have loved many more at the same time while loving you. 

Then of course, there may be a skeleton in your closet from the time YOU mistreated someone in the idleness of your youth you don't want any future potential loves to find out about. No matter what the case may be, past relationships can leave injuries to the heart that never quite heal. 

Some people have become the walking dead because they have so many bones in their closet that rattle in their mind. Strings of relationships gone bad. If you know the children's song of the "leg bone is connected to knee bone, the knee bone is connected to the thigh bone" etc. you then can understand how broken hearted from love skeletons in the closet can affect the entirety of a person. 

We are tempted at times to peek into our own closet of ghosts (ex's) to revisit those old loves to see have they changed, evolved into what we wished they would have been while you two were in a relationship. We go through their Facebook posts to see if they are in a new relationship. We must know if the person they are with is prettier than we are. We search the comments on posts to see who LIKES the ex's posted pictures and who commented with heart emojis. After searching online every potential love interest our ex may have we end up beating ourselves disappointed in ourselves for wondering and looking. 

Love's heartbreak wounds oozes, always feeling as fresh as the day they were born. There is a song that asks, "What becomes of the broken hearted?" There are several choices: the broken hearted can become an angry hard-hearted person looking for love in all the wrong places or a person continually feeling they are forever unlovable because THE ONE they wanted love from did not share their feelings. 

I have a wound from an ex who was not truly an ex. It's complicated as most relationships that do not work out are. After years of living separate lives, I believed we could become friends. Older and wiser with life lessons learned, I believed the new improved me lived in the present and the past was in the past.

The problem. In my mind and heart, the ex has been petrified in time. I only see and hear the old version that I had feelings of love for. I still see and hear the young man my heart longed for. There is no lust or hope for a relationship there, but all of his faults and shortcomings from the past scream out as we try to be friends in the present. Now, whose problem is this; mines or his?

The problem with wounds that do not heal belongs to the person with the wounds. We all carry battle scars; it's part of living. But lost loves and past loves should just be that: PAST. A person won't win a prize for being able to be in the ex's presence without any residual emotion. It is not an important prize to want to win. Ex's are ex's for a reason -- they were not the ONE.  

Now I'm talking about bad breakups, not amicable ones. I'm not talking about unforgiveness, because forgiveness of others is essential to peace. I am talking about wounds and scars of the heart. Revisiting the holder of the knife or gun is never a good thing and should be approached with caution. I am talking about taking care of yourself first in a healthy way. Until you reach the point where you wish the ex well in life whether that includes you or not; stay away! Even then you may come to realize wishing them well actually does not include you because you are not the one they want in that capacity, not even as a friend.

Everyone deserves to be loved passionately and unconditionally. Returning to an ex only blocks that person in your future waiting to love you the first go round. 

Back to the subject of ex's as friends. Do I really need another friend? Do I really need an ex as a friend? There was no interest in me or my life the first go round and I have no interest presenting for a second time a new improved me for appraisal. I am thankful this particular wound that will not heal is one and not several. I've met many more men who did not wound me. It was one knife, one time, one person. Ever seen someone with multiple gunshot wounds? I think you would tell them not to be around the shooter. We live, we learn, we live some more. The best we can ever hope for is not to live in the pain of yesterday nor the fear of tomorrow, but the reality of today. Today there is not a knife or gun.

Do you know how not to accumulate heart-break skeletons in the closet? Because there are differing reasons why one person falls in love and the other person in the relationship doesn't, makes relationships a gamble. A woman or man can be the complete package of desirability and love just doesn't happen. But the way that a person responds to a break-up can be controlled so it does not spin into actions that lead to embarrassment and humiliation. Going on social media demonizing the ex, slashing tires, fighting the ex's new love in the streets, and stalking are not the answer. 

Even when others do not know about your skeletons, you run the risk of repeating the actions which led you to have the skeletons. So, what to do when your heart is broken?

1.    Allow yourself to feel your feelings because a breakup is a trauma, at times a shock and you will go through the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. It is in these stages you may find yourself doing desperate things to keep or win back your love interest. And if you don't allow yourself to go through these stages you may do crazy things to keep or win back your ex. BE CAREFUL.

2.    Don't become your feeling. Be angry with a time limit. Don't become an angry person. Be sad with a time limit. don't become a sad person. Be bitter with a time limit. don't become a bitter person.

3.    Cut off communication with your ex.

4.    Find a support system.

5.    Exercise

6.    Remember what sucked in the relationship or about the ex

7.    Take care of yourself

8.    Don't judge the length of your healing process

9.    Don't internalize the breakup wondering were you not pretty or smart etc.

10.  Identify and eliminate unhealthy behaviors you may have

11.  Create new routines

12.  Explore old and new interests

13.  Accept closure is something you may need to find on your own

14.  If you decide to date do so cautiously. You should not jump back into dating if you just don't want to be alone. You should allow yourself to heal and have reflection on who you are and what you want in relationships

15.  Trust that the pain won't last forever

16.  Down the road, reflect on positive things.

If you find yourself saying all men or women are dogs that cheat or use people, you may still have some open wounds. If you find yourself continually doing crazy things with each breakup adding to your closet of skeletons, you may still have some open wounds. Like I said earlier, we all bring some baggage into a relationship that can be unpacked. But the broken-hearted skeletons in our closet are of a different nature and all we can do about them is not add any more to the pile of bones. 

If your skeleton is hiding how an ex treated you badly and you put up with it for a long time, just know you were not the first person this happened to and you won't be the last an ex humiliated. Hopefully you graduated with diploma in hand setting standards and boundaries for yourself in future relationships. A person with a degree in love become a better person not a bitter person. 

RAPE: Not about SEX

Did you know Sexual Assault Awareness Month is April 1, 2022? I had no idea either. Years ago I wrote a poem about rape called Every Three Minutes. I entered the poem in a contest and came in third place and I was so delighted because I am not a poet. I did not research the actual statistic on how often a woman is raped. I just have a thing for the number three and decided to use it. I believe using such an impossible high number of women being raped every three seconds would make my poem more impactful to the reader. LITTLE DID I KNOW AT THAT TIME.

Rape is one of those uncomfortable topics people don't want to speak about like racism or mental illness. The difference is rape is a violent criminal act that remains unreported by many victims. It is the one crime where the victim feels shame or guilt that a crime happened to them. Another factor that causing the rape victim to feel even worse they have been sexually assaulted is the fact 80% of sexual assaults are committed by acquaintances. Yes. Friend, uncle, boyfriend, co-worker, and even spouse commit sexual assaults on people they know. Seventy percent of rapes are by someone the victim knows.

Rape is such an unexplainable type of violation. It is an unwanted person physically using a person's body without permission. The rapist is inside of the person's body. How can someone describe their body being stolen from their control? The victim's body is no longer under their own control. 

I have a confession. At one time when I would hear a woman say she was raped or molested as a child, young woman, or adult I would shake my head at the horror inflicted on her. As the years rolled on it seemed almost every woman had an experience of rape or sexual assault until it become normal for me to hear and the story of rape or molestation no longer shocked to me. The horror of the crime didn't lesson my sympathy for the woman, but it just became common to hear and expected as part of the female experience. Did you hear what I just said? 

As of 1998 17.7 million American women had been victims of attempted or completed rape. That is a high number right? Approximately 1.5 million intimate partner female rapes and physical assaults happen each year according to data gathered in a February 10, 2022 report by the Department of Justice www.ncbi.nih.gov/books/NBK499891.

The FBI's Uniform Crime Report as of January 1, 2013, redefined rape as "Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object or oral penetrating  by a sex organ of another person, without consent of the victim.

Every 68 seconds an American woman is sexually assaulted. In the United States one rape occurs every 1-2 minutes (I guessed correctly for my poem sad to say). One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime with 14% of the rapes completed and 2,8% of rapes attempted.

Eighty percent of sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance and 80% of women experience a first-time sexual assault before the age of 25. Women between the ages of 16-19 are 4 times likely to be raped and women and men with disabilities are 2 times at risk of a sexual assault than people without a disability.  One in every 33 American men has experienced an attempted or completed sexual assault as a child. Twenty-eight percent first time sexual assault occurred at age 10 or younger.

It is important for me to include the fact children experience sexual assaults and never report it to family or authorities. Data reports 95% of child victims knew their sexual attacker. These sexual attackers are family members and friends of family members. Acting Commissioner of Police Edvin Martin said a surge in incest for 2020 compared to 2018-2019. There was a significant increase of incest during the height of Covid-19 lockdown period. 

People tend to have a blind eye when it comes to incest and that is how and why it continues to not be reported and allows 90% of these sexual assaults against children to occur in the home. Authorities estimate incest occurs in over 10% of American families, yet only 20% of the offenses are reported. The crime often goes unreported because it is initiated by someone the child, usually a girl, loves and trusts. Sibling incest is possibly the most common form of incest while 60% of the rapes occur in the home with 37% by a parent, 23% by a stepparent.

States with the highest incidence of incest are: Kentucky (the highest rate), Maine, Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, Washington, Georgia, Oregon, Indiana, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Montana, Alabama, and South Dakota. Since incest is rarely reported, there is not reliable statistics as to how many incest victims there are.

The Criminal Justice System: Statistics Rapes, Abuse, & Incest National Network gives reasons why sexual abuse is not reported:

20% of victims feared retaliation

13% believed police would not do anything

13% believed it was a personal matter

8% reported the rape to a non-law-enforcement official

8% believed it was not important enough to report

7% did not want the perpetrator to get into trouble

2% believed the police could not help

30% had other multiple reasons

It is important not to sweep sexual assaults under the rug because there are long lasting consequences to the assault. In 2012, Missouri's Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, said victims of a "legitimate rape" rarely get pregnant because their bodies can prevent them from doing so which sparked outrage throughout the country. Such statements as the one made by Todd Akins continues to downplay the crime of sexual assault against women which has long lasting consequences. 

Women who experience sexual assaults may have depression and substance abuse problems. It is estimated 90% of rape victims experience PTSD symptoms during the 2 weeks following the rape. And 30% report PTSD lasting up to 9 months and 33% contemplate suicide and 13% commit suicide. 

The most important thing a woman, person, should know is sexual assaults is not the victim's fault and there are no sure tried and true ways to prevent sexual assaults. There are ways to reduce the chances of rape in the link I have provided. One of the major tools in the effort to eliminate sexual assaults and abuse is to report the crime to adults and authorities. Reduce the Risk of Becoming a Sexual Assault Victim | Police & Public Safety | UNC Charlotte Only 5% of sexual assault reports filed are proven false. 

Men who commit rape can not be defind or identified by any fact based means. The prototypical convicted rapist is frequently under 25, shorter than average height, poor, and a resident of the inner city. many rapist live in college towns and rape during the evening hours. There have been 3 common characteristics of rapist noticed, lack of empathy, narcissism, and hostility towards women, but may not be true of all rapists. 

There are 3 catagories of rapists:

The Opportunist Rapist: this rapist seizes any chance for sexual gratification, such as loss of self control on the part of their victim under the influence of alcohol

The Sadistic Rapist: motivations are to humiliate or degrade the victim

The Vindictive Rapist: has anger and aggression focused directly towards women. Such a rapist believes he is permitted to sexually attack women because he feels he has been hurt, rejected, or wronged by women in the past

EVERY THREE MINUTES

By Dorothy Guyton

  

Every three minutes-slowly- count; One Two Three

A life is changed it is now filled with shame

Flesh ripped, bruises left, never to be the same.

 

Every three minutes-remember-count; One Two Three

A mother, daughter, sister, niece, shouts a silent scream

Mind clicks off, just survive, pretend it’s just a dream.

 

Every three minutes-you’re use to it-count; One Two Three

Knees drawn as she sits on the floor in the cold drumming shower

Trying to erase the assault on her that lasted forever but was actually under an hour.

 

Every three minutes-count them; One Two Three

Blank stares reflect- the now ghost looking back at her from a steamy misty mirror

Wishful hoping thinking, please, no one guess, please, no one dare see her.

 

Every three minutes a club is joined; One Two Three

Membership requires a forced relinquishment of pride of self -esteem

Flashbacks to the time of terror is one of the private club's dues and ongoing theme.

 

Ever three minutes a chain is formed; One Two Three

Each disfigured link is intertwined in her wounded broken spirit

Her soul's sad song whispers ‘No fair. Why me’ in each searching intrusive lyric.

 

Every three minutes-forgot to count; One Two Three

A crime of power rages, not about sex, but about toxic powerless masculinity

Another man's sickness of pinned up anger unleashed on unsuspecting femininity.

 

Every three minutes-you tire of it yet? One Two Three

Another woman silently accepts her fate thinking shit happens what’s the use

Violence excused 

given another name, another disorder, another acceptable label for abuse.

 

Every three minutes-slowly-count them; One Two Three

The word RAPE is hushed too ugly say; its just sex they say without foreplay

He's your friend, or your husband, or a stranger you led on in some way.