The Honeymoon Is Over!

In a new relationship or newly married? Then you are in what people call the "honeymoon phase."

The honeymoon phase is the early stage of a relationship when couples experience intense feelings of love, passion, and excitement. It's characterized by a heightened sense of closeness, infatuation, and carefree happiness. During the honeymoon phase, you might:

• Feel like you want to be with your partner all the time.
• Miss your partner as soon as they leave.
• Feel hopeful about your future together.
• Learn more about each other's personalities.
• Explore your intimacy.
• Have a lot of fun together.

The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to several years. Some couples don't have a honeymoon phase, or their honeymoon phase may be drawn out over time. The honeymoon phase will fade with time, but love should grow with time. The honeymoon phase is exciting because it's too soon to know your partner's full personality, with all its positives and negatives. However, you'll naturally transition out of the honeymoon phase when the realities of life start to creep in, and hard conversations start to bubble to the surface.

We all love the honeymoon phase of relationships when we don't quite realize our chosen one is a flawed, annoying human with red flags blowing in the wind. This made me wonder what the opposite of a honeymoon phase is called. My first thought was the "murder phase" because once you begin noticing how irritating and infuriating you 'loved one' is, the more you feel like murdering them. But the term 'murder phase' does not lead one to believe there was any love at all so that term may be too extreme. But none-the-less, we eventually enter you're on my last nerve, I can't stand you phase if we remain in long-term relationships.

Relationship experts say the prime number years of relationships are often the hardest, such as 1, 3, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29. These years often correspond with significant transitions and pressure points in marriage.

The stages of a relationship have been divided for your easy consumption:

HONEYMOON = Start to 1 year.  You're connecting with someone you find exciting and who finds you exciting. You're eager to learn about them, can't get enough of them, and have all of those passionate feelings that make dating so thrilling. There is so much anticipation, curiosity, nervousness, and wonder.

BACK-TO-REALITY = 1-2 years. This is where things get real in a different way; you'll likely approach topics that are uncomfortable, you'll probably meet each other's friends and/or family, and you might realize some things about each other that possibly annoy you or deserve a conversation.

DECISION MAKING = 2-3 years. Everything is out, exposed, and on the table in this stage of a relationship. You probably know each other's traumas, hang-ups, weaknesses, communication struggles, and most profound needs and fears. It's all out there: You are fully emotionally in the nude. This can be a complicated phase if the relationship feels like it isn't going to work out; it can feel even more painful to lose someone after they have experienced you in all your forms and you've experienced them in all of theirs.

SETTLING DOWN = 3 + years. This part is refreshing because you feel known and have the privilege of truly knowing your partner — it's beautiful and sweet while also being relatively predictable, in a comforting way. The relationship has likely developed its own language for navigating the world together. Of course, this time period won't always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but it will likely be easier to navigate uncomfortable conversations, situations, and shortcomings because of the years of practiced communication.

These phases or stages are PRE-MARRIAGE, before the murder stage I alluded to. Divorce lawyers, psychologists, and researchers have slotted years of marriage into periods and have rated them based on their risk of divorce:

• Years 1–2: Very Risky.
• Years 3–4: Mild Risk.
• Years 5–8: Very Risky.
• Years 9–15: Low Risk.
• Years 15 and over: Low to Mild Risk.

We all have heard of the seven-year-itch. The seven-year itch, as it’s called, is a term that describe feelings of being restless or dissatisfied in a relationship — typically at that seven-year mark. In 1955, Marilyn Monroe starred in a film called The Seven Year Itch, in which a married man becomes so infatuated with her that he starts planning to cheat on his wife. The man has been reading a psychiatrist’s manuscript, which claims that all men cheat in their seventh year of marriage — which is exactly how long he’s been married. While research outcomes vary somewhat, the percentage of divorces, particularly in first-time marriages, tends to spike around the seven- or eight-year mark.

Of course, by the seven-year mark, partners are well past the honeymoon phase — and issues may have begun to arise. “With added time, marital struggles can include issues like poor communication and listening skills, a lack of empathy, and partners having unrealistic expectations of one another,” Dr. Borland explains. The seventh year of marriage may have symptoms of the 'itch' which includes:

A lack of physical and/or emotional intimacy.

Poor communication

Increased conflict, including arguing, hurtful words or criticism.

Keeping secrets from your partner.

Not spending much or meaningful time together.

Taking one another for granted and/or feeling unappreciated.

A lack of trust.

Fantasizing about infidelity

There may be some truth to the seven-year-itch because when marriages end, usually some time has passed since the wedding. In fact, the average length of a marriage prior to divorce is eight years. Some of the most common reasons for divorce include disagreements over money, infidelity, lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior and more. Other reasons for divorce include longer life expectancy, which may compel older couples to divorce, or the mental and emotional strain that comes with having young children. 

If you make it past year eight, then comes year ten.

“After a decade together, turning into roommates becomes a big risk as partners can slowly over the years take their focus off of each other and give all of their attention to dealing with day-to-day life,” Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men, told HuffPost. “Couples can easily turn into partners in managing a family or life, rather than partners in love.”

Partners can become bored with each other.  Boredom in a marriage is usually a sign that you and your partner have started taking each other ― and the relationship ― for granted, said psychotherapist, Tina Tessina.

Your sex life may fade. A couple's sex life may ebb and flow over the years for any number of reasons: physical or mental health issues, having kids, side effects of certain medications, stress, relationship problems, and sleep issues, among many others. Sex therapists say those dips are totally normal. But if you’re not committed to getting back on track, the sexual dry spells can end up lasting longer and longer, leaving one or both partners feeling rejected and disconnected.

“Many couples sacrifice their dreams in order to maintain stability when initially building a relationship and family,” couples therapist Kari Carroll said. “But by 10 years, they are realizing that life is calling, and they must negotiate how to help both themselves and their partner achieve greater fulfillment.”

“Early on in marriage, we can have a great amount of graciousness with each other as our love for each other makes up for all shortcomings or failures,” Smith said. “Sadly, as a marriage matures, the patience can fade.”

Early on in a relationship, you’ll find any excuse to celebrate: your eight-month anniversary, making it through a tough week of work or National Margarita Day. But as time goes on, those celebrations may become less and less frequent.

There seems like there are several reasons for a marriage, once out of the honeymoon phase, to enter Death Valley. But people have had long lasting marriages. HOW!!

This is what people who have been married for over 25 years have to say:

KEEP THE PEACE. Try not to fight like high schoolers—don’t play games, give the silent treatment, argue over the same things over and over, or bring up past issues in every subsequent fight.

KEEP GROWING. Expect and accept change. No one remains stagnant for twenty-five years, nor should they. You may sometimes feel like you’re with someone different than the person you married long ago. But if basic values, ethics, and morals are the foundation of a person’s character, growth can add to marital satisfaction instead of taking away from it.

STAY FLEXIBLE. Roll with the punches. As this past year has shown, you have to keep reinventing your relationship to withstand what has been thrown at you. Never consider yourself too old to switch up ‘roles’ within the marriage—if you change things up, you’ll have a fresh window into your partner’s life.

SHOW YOUR LOVE. It’s important to do little things on a regular basis to show your love.

DON'T KEEP SCORE. Don’t keep score or rate who does more. A good partner knows when to step in, when to take over and when to encourage you to keep moving forward—not get caught up in keeping tabs. 

KEEP LAUGHING. 

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself and pick your battles carefully. It’s easy to argue about the silliest of things but does it really matter how the dishwasher gets loaded or the car gets packed before going on a road trip? You come to realize it’s crazy to ruin an evening together or a trip away over stuff like this.

KEEP IT A PARTNERSHIP.

FINISH THE FIGHT. Never go to bed mad at each other—end a fight then and there so nothing carries over into the next day. And don’t lose sight that every couple fights, it’s about how well you move on and process things that matters.

SUPPOERT EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS. Having separate interests is key to a happy marriage. 

REMAIN FRIENDS. For a marriage to be successful, both husband and wife need to view themselves as partners—you are no longer just yourself, you have another half to constantly consider.

ACKNOWLEDGE WHO YOU ARE MARRYING. Be sure you’re marrying your friend. You need to really, really, really like the person you are marrying just the way they are as there’s no changing someone after the fact.

KEEP THE NORTH STAR IN SIGHT. Be determined to see it through—divorce is never an option. Be willing to follow the journey.

Those married people put in a lot of work!! One BIG reason they probably made it to 25 years of marriage and beyond, is they never called or entertained that their marriage was in a 'murder phase." All of the work they put into each other, and marriage was for it to LIVE, not DIE. 

Whether the seven-year-itch is real or not, an itch is just that, an itch. Itches go away even without scratching. Marriages can go well beyond the honeymoon phase with thought and effort. Prime numbers be damned! You picked each other for a reason. They were your ONE. Surely, those 15 annoying things they do, do not outweigh the fact that they chose you and you chose them.