The Honeymoon Is Over!

In a new relationship or newly married? Then you are in what people call the "honeymoon phase."

The honeymoon phase is the early stage of a relationship when couples experience intense feelings of love, passion, and excitement. It's characterized by a heightened sense of closeness, infatuation, and carefree happiness. During the honeymoon phase, you might:

• Feel like you want to be with your partner all the time.
• Miss your partner as soon as they leave.
• Feel hopeful about your future together.
• Learn more about each other's personalities.
• Explore your intimacy.
• Have a lot of fun together.

The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to several years. Some couples don't have a honeymoon phase, or their honeymoon phase may be drawn out over time. The honeymoon phase will fade with time, but love should grow with time. The honeymoon phase is exciting because it's too soon to know your partner's full personality, with all its positives and negatives. However, you'll naturally transition out of the honeymoon phase when the realities of life start to creep in, and hard conversations start to bubble to the surface.

We all love the honeymoon phase of relationships when we don't quite realize our chosen one is a flawed, annoying human with red flags blowing in the wind. This made me wonder what the opposite of a honeymoon phase is called. My first thought was the "murder phase" because once you begin noticing how irritating and infuriating you 'loved one' is, the more you feel like murdering them. But the term 'murder phase' does not lead one to believe there was any love at all so that term may be too extreme. But none-the-less, we eventually enter you're on my last nerve, I can't stand you phase if we remain in long-term relationships.

Relationship experts say the prime number years of relationships are often the hardest, such as 1, 3, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29. These years often correspond with significant transitions and pressure points in marriage.

The stages of a relationship have been divided for your easy consumption:

HONEYMOON = Start to 1 year.  You're connecting with someone you find exciting and who finds you exciting. You're eager to learn about them, can't get enough of them, and have all of those passionate feelings that make dating so thrilling. There is so much anticipation, curiosity, nervousness, and wonder.

BACK-TO-REALITY = 1-2 years. This is where things get real in a different way; you'll likely approach topics that are uncomfortable, you'll probably meet each other's friends and/or family, and you might realize some things about each other that possibly annoy you or deserve a conversation.

DECISION MAKING = 2-3 years. Everything is out, exposed, and on the table in this stage of a relationship. You probably know each other's traumas, hang-ups, weaknesses, communication struggles, and most profound needs and fears. It's all out there: You are fully emotionally in the nude. This can be a complicated phase if the relationship feels like it isn't going to work out; it can feel even more painful to lose someone after they have experienced you in all your forms and you've experienced them in all of theirs.

SETTLING DOWN = 3 + years. This part is refreshing because you feel known and have the privilege of truly knowing your partner — it's beautiful and sweet while also being relatively predictable, in a comforting way. The relationship has likely developed its own language for navigating the world together. Of course, this time period won't always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but it will likely be easier to navigate uncomfortable conversations, situations, and shortcomings because of the years of practiced communication.

These phases or stages are PRE-MARRIAGE, before the murder stage I alluded to. Divorce lawyers, psychologists, and researchers have slotted years of marriage into periods and have rated them based on their risk of divorce:

• Years 1–2: Very Risky.
• Years 3–4: Mild Risk.
• Years 5–8: Very Risky.
• Years 9–15: Low Risk.
• Years 15 and over: Low to Mild Risk.

We all have heard of the seven-year-itch. The seven-year itch, as it’s called, is a term that describe feelings of being restless or dissatisfied in a relationship — typically at that seven-year mark. In 1955, Marilyn Monroe starred in a film called The Seven Year Itch, in which a married man becomes so infatuated with her that he starts planning to cheat on his wife. The man has been reading a psychiatrist’s manuscript, which claims that all men cheat in their seventh year of marriage — which is exactly how long he’s been married. While research outcomes vary somewhat, the percentage of divorces, particularly in first-time marriages, tends to spike around the seven- or eight-year mark.

Of course, by the seven-year mark, partners are well past the honeymoon phase — and issues may have begun to arise. “With added time, marital struggles can include issues like poor communication and listening skills, a lack of empathy, and partners having unrealistic expectations of one another,” Dr. Borland explains. The seventh year of marriage may have symptoms of the 'itch' which includes:

A lack of physical and/or emotional intimacy.

Poor communication

Increased conflict, including arguing, hurtful words or criticism.

Keeping secrets from your partner.

Not spending much or meaningful time together.

Taking one another for granted and/or feeling unappreciated.

A lack of trust.

Fantasizing about infidelity

There may be some truth to the seven-year-itch because when marriages end, usually some time has passed since the wedding. In fact, the average length of a marriage prior to divorce is eight years. Some of the most common reasons for divorce include disagreements over money, infidelity, lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior and more. Other reasons for divorce include longer life expectancy, which may compel older couples to divorce, or the mental and emotional strain that comes with having young children. 

If you make it past year eight, then comes year ten.

“After a decade together, turning into roommates becomes a big risk as partners can slowly over the years take their focus off of each other and give all of their attention to dealing with day-to-day life,” Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men, told HuffPost. “Couples can easily turn into partners in managing a family or life, rather than partners in love.”

Partners can become bored with each other.  Boredom in a marriage is usually a sign that you and your partner have started taking each other ― and the relationship ― for granted, said psychotherapist, Tina Tessina.

Your sex life may fade. A couple's sex life may ebb and flow over the years for any number of reasons: physical or mental health issues, having kids, side effects of certain medications, stress, relationship problems, and sleep issues, among many others. Sex therapists say those dips are totally normal. But if you’re not committed to getting back on track, the sexual dry spells can end up lasting longer and longer, leaving one or both partners feeling rejected and disconnected.

“Many couples sacrifice their dreams in order to maintain stability when initially building a relationship and family,” couples therapist Kari Carroll said. “But by 10 years, they are realizing that life is calling, and they must negotiate how to help both themselves and their partner achieve greater fulfillment.”

“Early on in marriage, we can have a great amount of graciousness with each other as our love for each other makes up for all shortcomings or failures,” Smith said. “Sadly, as a marriage matures, the patience can fade.”

Early on in a relationship, you’ll find any excuse to celebrate: your eight-month anniversary, making it through a tough week of work or National Margarita Day. But as time goes on, those celebrations may become less and less frequent.

There seems like there are several reasons for a marriage, once out of the honeymoon phase, to enter Death Valley. But people have had long lasting marriages. HOW!!

This is what people who have been married for over 25 years have to say:

KEEP THE PEACE. Try not to fight like high schoolers—don’t play games, give the silent treatment, argue over the same things over and over, or bring up past issues in every subsequent fight.

KEEP GROWING. Expect and accept change. No one remains stagnant for twenty-five years, nor should they. You may sometimes feel like you’re with someone different than the person you married long ago. But if basic values, ethics, and morals are the foundation of a person’s character, growth can add to marital satisfaction instead of taking away from it.

STAY FLEXIBLE. Roll with the punches. As this past year has shown, you have to keep reinventing your relationship to withstand what has been thrown at you. Never consider yourself too old to switch up ‘roles’ within the marriage—if you change things up, you’ll have a fresh window into your partner’s life.

SHOW YOUR LOVE. It’s important to do little things on a regular basis to show your love.

DON'T KEEP SCORE. Don’t keep score or rate who does more. A good partner knows when to step in, when to take over and when to encourage you to keep moving forward—not get caught up in keeping tabs. 

KEEP LAUGHING. 

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself and pick your battles carefully. It’s easy to argue about the silliest of things but does it really matter how the dishwasher gets loaded or the car gets packed before going on a road trip? You come to realize it’s crazy to ruin an evening together or a trip away over stuff like this.

KEEP IT A PARTNERSHIP.

FINISH THE FIGHT. Never go to bed mad at each other—end a fight then and there so nothing carries over into the next day. And don’t lose sight that every couple fights, it’s about how well you move on and process things that matters.

SUPPOERT EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS. Having separate interests is key to a happy marriage. 

REMAIN FRIENDS. For a marriage to be successful, both husband and wife need to view themselves as partners—you are no longer just yourself, you have another half to constantly consider.

ACKNOWLEDGE WHO YOU ARE MARRYING. Be sure you’re marrying your friend. You need to really, really, really like the person you are marrying just the way they are as there’s no changing someone after the fact.

KEEP THE NORTH STAR IN SIGHT. Be determined to see it through—divorce is never an option. Be willing to follow the journey.

Those married people put in a lot of work!! One BIG reason they probably made it to 25 years of marriage and beyond, is they never called or entertained that their marriage was in a 'murder phase." All of the work they put into each other, and marriage was for it to LIVE, not DIE. 

Whether the seven-year-itch is real or not, an itch is just that, an itch. Itches go away even without scratching. Marriages can go well beyond the honeymoon phase with thought and effort. Prime numbers be damned! You picked each other for a reason. They were your ONE. Surely, those 15 annoying things they do, do not outweigh the fact that they chose you and you chose them.

Are You Considered Ugly If You Are Over 50?

DO YOU LIKE YOUR AGE? ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH YOUR AGE?

The general consensus is that the age of 50 is more like the new 30. But we know it is the people 50+ making this statement and not those who are under the age of 50. So, the younger people laugh and say of course an old person is going to claim they are not old. But 50 is 50 no matter how you slice it right? Is it true 50+ year olds want to be 30 somethings?

On average, 69% of women aged 45–60 reported feeling at least six years younger than their chronological age. Women in their fifties still feel sexy, vibrant, beautiful and desirable. And the truth being told, women 50 and over, look fantastic if they have taken care of themselves throughout their lives. They are still dating, a part of the fashion scene, and active socially. That's why culture has added the word MILF.

The American Academy of Facial Plastic and Recon­structive Surgery (AAFPRS) conducted a survey of ap­proximately 500 women between the ages of 45–60 to find out what they think about the changing face of 50. The general consensus is that 50 is more like the new 30. 

Now, more and more men and women are not happy with just looking 10 years younger, mostly because they feel closer to 20 years younger. This is especially true in South Florida, where image and youth are very much looked at. People are invested in LOOKING younger because they are LIVING longer. In the past, they didn't care how they looked 50 and beyond because death was knocking at their door. That is no longer true. Today, for those 50 and over, looking younger isn't an attempt to be "in" with the 30 somethings with all of their problems the older person has already overcome. We don't WANT to be you. Been there done that.

Despite wars, economic upheaval, and climate change, global life expectancy has increased markedly over the past 70 years, from 45.7 years in 1950 to 72.6 in 2019; even with the drop caused by COVID-19, we are still outliving our parents and grandparents by a significant margin. Today, living into the 90s or even the 100s is more likely than ever before, particularly with a commitment to making healthy life choices, to say nothing of large-scale improvements in healthcare, sustainability and infrastructure that also increase longevity at the societal level.

All this added longevity necessitates a review of our career and health habits. Back in the day, people worked for 25-35 years, usually until they were in their late 50s. The average age of retirement in the United States was 59 in 1991; you would then expect maybe 10 more good years, 15 if you were lucky. By 2022, that average age had gone up to 66 — and now, people are living 20 to 30 years longer than that.

A 50-year-old who works out regularly and with high intensity intervals can be just as fit as someone three decades younger, according to a study in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise. There is no magic the young have to looking good. They are not favored by the gods over the 50+ year olds. Granted, a 50-year-old will never look like a 20-year-old, but youth does not have the market on what is attractive and seen as beautiful and healthy. Young men and women are using all available resources they can find to also look their best. Cosmetic aisles and medical offices are not solely littered by desperate older people looking for the fountain of youth. All AGES look for ways to look and feel their best.

To physically look less than 50 a person can smooth out their forehead. Unless you have bangs, there is no easy way to conceal forehead wrinkles. And as one of the biggest signs of aging skin, a wrinkled forehead is one of the first things you will want to have fixed. Luckily, with non-invasive injectables like Botox, you can temporarily relax the muscles in your forehead, and smooth out your wrinkles in no time at all. ALL AGES USE BOTOX.

Getting rid of a double chin can be helpful to look younger. As you age, you start to gain fat in places of your body that you never dreamed of when you were in your twenties, including your chin. If you have started to develop a double chin and can’t seem to get rid of it with diet and exercise, Dr. Fiona Wright can help. By using non-invasive procedures like VelaCONTOUR, Dr. Wright can shrink the fat cells in your chin and give you back a more taut appearance.

Hollowed skin shows age and should go. It’s rare that you see an elderly individual with smooth, full skin. Once you hit your fifties, you may notice volume and collagen loss in your cheeks and across your face. Luckily, by using fillers like Restylane and Juvederm, Dr. Fiona Wright can plump up your face and give you back the glow you had in your twenties. On Tic Tok there are tweens showing you their facial cleansing and moisturizing regimen. Ageless beauty seems to take work and is not a punishment for aging.

Let’s face it: nobody wants to look their age. The young person can't wait to be an adult, older, and older people want to maintain their looks while enjoying the fruits of having aged.

One positive attribute of being 50 and beyond obtained and which does not want to be relinquished is age lends a sense of urgency to doing things you’ve put off and finishing things you’ve started. It also makes you deeply grateful for the fact that you’re still here. As a million memes attest to, ageing is a gift not everyone gets to enjoy.

The utter joy of not caring about stuff is one of the most thrilling developments of life many 50 and older relish. They still care about important things, but the small stuff seems to roll off of their backs more easily. 50's gives such joy to realize that it ALL doesn’t matter, and to let it go.

Once those 50+ realize and accept that the first flourish of youth and beauty has gone – that actually, it’s quite hard work keeping up with that too. Knowing that a FIRST flourish means there can be a SECOND flourish. Yes, beauty isn't a one-time fleeting occurrence. Wisdom, from living, teaches there is beauty in every stage in life in many different THINGS and WAYS. Personal, physical beauty is such a small part of living a full life. It seems 50+ can lend itself to having a beautiful MIND.

An aged person begins to know what suits them and stop worrying about it and focus more on what works for them. There’s a huge sense of relief in not being part of that rat race and to largely stop worrying about what other people think about you, and you find yourself doing what the hell you like. 

Hopefully as a person ages, reaching that half-a-century age, they become happier in their own skin, even if it’s not as pert as it used to be, and laugh more easily. With joy they have become better company; kinder, softer. That they let that hard, combative edge that used to make them challenging to spend time with, blunted, and they are a better person for it. Along with being kinder, hopefully also, comes the wisdom and the grace to say no to things more often – which is an act of being kind to oneself. 50+ can become a time of no longer doing crap that you’re supposed to like but secretly hate. Freedom is a beautiful thing in its own right. 

No one has to pity the 30-year-olds or those 50+.  Those 50 and beyond can remember life when it was so much harder at that age, having to fumble your way through life, trying to be a parent and career woman/man and trying to strap on a social life, and pretend to have it all when inside, you’re actually bewildered and exhausted. Those under 50 cannot even begin to want or desire a time when the workplace is saying they are no longer valued or needed, and the doctor is prescribing a new medication at each office visit for a new health concern. When the body crackles and aches with each move and there are lines on the face announcing your long journey of life.

For me, your age is just that, YOUR age. It has been filled with a life only you can live. The way you look at the time of your AGE has nothing to do with the soul, spirit, personality inhabiting the aged body. We need to think about the present that is wrapped under the tree on Christmas day. For a second, the recipient of the gift may exclaim how pretty the present is wrapped but then in a violent frenzy (most of the time) they tear off the wrapping with much anticipation to discover what is inside. Even the most horribly wrapped gift with the ugliest wrapping paper will never be declined to be opened.

Be the present that you are and hopefully, with an ounce of grace, the least thing a person will say about you in gratitude is, "IT WAS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTED."