The Honeymoon Is Over!

In a new relationship or newly married? Then you are in what people call the "honeymoon phase."

The honeymoon phase is the early stage of a relationship when couples experience intense feelings of love, passion, and excitement. It's characterized by a heightened sense of closeness, infatuation, and carefree happiness. During the honeymoon phase, you might:

• Feel like you want to be with your partner all the time.
• Miss your partner as soon as they leave.
• Feel hopeful about your future together.
• Learn more about each other's personalities.
• Explore your intimacy.
• Have a lot of fun together.

The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to several years. Some couples don't have a honeymoon phase, or their honeymoon phase may be drawn out over time. The honeymoon phase will fade with time, but love should grow with time. The honeymoon phase is exciting because it's too soon to know your partner's full personality, with all its positives and negatives. However, you'll naturally transition out of the honeymoon phase when the realities of life start to creep in, and hard conversations start to bubble to the surface.

We all love the honeymoon phase of relationships when we don't quite realize our chosen one is a flawed, annoying human with red flags blowing in the wind. This made me wonder what the opposite of a honeymoon phase is called. My first thought was the "murder phase" because once you begin noticing how irritating and infuriating you 'loved one' is, the more you feel like murdering them. But the term 'murder phase' does not lead one to believe there was any love at all so that term may be too extreme. But none-the-less, we eventually enter you're on my last nerve, I can't stand you phase if we remain in long-term relationships.

Relationship experts say the prime number years of relationships are often the hardest, such as 1, 3, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29. These years often correspond with significant transitions and pressure points in marriage.

The stages of a relationship have been divided for your easy consumption:

HONEYMOON = Start to 1 year.  You're connecting with someone you find exciting and who finds you exciting. You're eager to learn about them, can't get enough of them, and have all of those passionate feelings that make dating so thrilling. There is so much anticipation, curiosity, nervousness, and wonder.

BACK-TO-REALITY = 1-2 years. This is where things get real in a different way; you'll likely approach topics that are uncomfortable, you'll probably meet each other's friends and/or family, and you might realize some things about each other that possibly annoy you or deserve a conversation.

DECISION MAKING = 2-3 years. Everything is out, exposed, and on the table in this stage of a relationship. You probably know each other's traumas, hang-ups, weaknesses, communication struggles, and most profound needs and fears. It's all out there: You are fully emotionally in the nude. This can be a complicated phase if the relationship feels like it isn't going to work out; it can feel even more painful to lose someone after they have experienced you in all your forms and you've experienced them in all of theirs.

SETTLING DOWN = 3 + years. This part is refreshing because you feel known and have the privilege of truly knowing your partner — it's beautiful and sweet while also being relatively predictable, in a comforting way. The relationship has likely developed its own language for navigating the world together. Of course, this time period won't always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns, but it will likely be easier to navigate uncomfortable conversations, situations, and shortcomings because of the years of practiced communication.

These phases or stages are PRE-MARRIAGE, before the murder stage I alluded to. Divorce lawyers, psychologists, and researchers have slotted years of marriage into periods and have rated them based on their risk of divorce:

• Years 1–2: Very Risky.
• Years 3–4: Mild Risk.
• Years 5–8: Very Risky.
• Years 9–15: Low Risk.
• Years 15 and over: Low to Mild Risk.

We all have heard of the seven-year-itch. The seven-year itch, as it’s called, is a term that describe feelings of being restless or dissatisfied in a relationship — typically at that seven-year mark. In 1955, Marilyn Monroe starred in a film called The Seven Year Itch, in which a married man becomes so infatuated with her that he starts planning to cheat on his wife. The man has been reading a psychiatrist’s manuscript, which claims that all men cheat in their seventh year of marriage — which is exactly how long he’s been married. While research outcomes vary somewhat, the percentage of divorces, particularly in first-time marriages, tends to spike around the seven- or eight-year mark.

Of course, by the seven-year mark, partners are well past the honeymoon phase — and issues may have begun to arise. “With added time, marital struggles can include issues like poor communication and listening skills, a lack of empathy, and partners having unrealistic expectations of one another,” Dr. Borland explains. The seventh year of marriage may have symptoms of the 'itch' which includes:

A lack of physical and/or emotional intimacy.

Poor communication

Increased conflict, including arguing, hurtful words or criticism.

Keeping secrets from your partner.

Not spending much or meaningful time together.

Taking one another for granted and/or feeling unappreciated.

A lack of trust.

Fantasizing about infidelity

There may be some truth to the seven-year-itch because when marriages end, usually some time has passed since the wedding. In fact, the average length of a marriage prior to divorce is eight years. Some of the most common reasons for divorce include disagreements over money, infidelity, lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior and more. Other reasons for divorce include longer life expectancy, which may compel older couples to divorce, or the mental and emotional strain that comes with having young children. 

If you make it past year eight, then comes year ten.

“After a decade together, turning into roommates becomes a big risk as partners can slowly over the years take their focus off of each other and give all of their attention to dealing with day-to-day life,” Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men, told HuffPost. “Couples can easily turn into partners in managing a family or life, rather than partners in love.”

Partners can become bored with each other.  Boredom in a marriage is usually a sign that you and your partner have started taking each other ― and the relationship ― for granted, said psychotherapist, Tina Tessina.

Your sex life may fade. A couple's sex life may ebb and flow over the years for any number of reasons: physical or mental health issues, having kids, side effects of certain medications, stress, relationship problems, and sleep issues, among many others. Sex therapists say those dips are totally normal. But if you’re not committed to getting back on track, the sexual dry spells can end up lasting longer and longer, leaving one or both partners feeling rejected and disconnected.

“Many couples sacrifice their dreams in order to maintain stability when initially building a relationship and family,” couples therapist Kari Carroll said. “But by 10 years, they are realizing that life is calling, and they must negotiate how to help both themselves and their partner achieve greater fulfillment.”

“Early on in marriage, we can have a great amount of graciousness with each other as our love for each other makes up for all shortcomings or failures,” Smith said. “Sadly, as a marriage matures, the patience can fade.”

Early on in a relationship, you’ll find any excuse to celebrate: your eight-month anniversary, making it through a tough week of work or National Margarita Day. But as time goes on, those celebrations may become less and less frequent.

There seems like there are several reasons for a marriage, once out of the honeymoon phase, to enter Death Valley. But people have had long lasting marriages. HOW!!

This is what people who have been married for over 25 years have to say:

KEEP THE PEACE. Try not to fight like high schoolers—don’t play games, give the silent treatment, argue over the same things over and over, or bring up past issues in every subsequent fight.

KEEP GROWING. Expect and accept change. No one remains stagnant for twenty-five years, nor should they. You may sometimes feel like you’re with someone different than the person you married long ago. But if basic values, ethics, and morals are the foundation of a person’s character, growth can add to marital satisfaction instead of taking away from it.

STAY FLEXIBLE. Roll with the punches. As this past year has shown, you have to keep reinventing your relationship to withstand what has been thrown at you. Never consider yourself too old to switch up ‘roles’ within the marriage—if you change things up, you’ll have a fresh window into your partner’s life.

SHOW YOUR LOVE. It’s important to do little things on a regular basis to show your love.

DON'T KEEP SCORE. Don’t keep score or rate who does more. A good partner knows when to step in, when to take over and when to encourage you to keep moving forward—not get caught up in keeping tabs. 

KEEP LAUGHING. 

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself and pick your battles carefully. It’s easy to argue about the silliest of things but does it really matter how the dishwasher gets loaded or the car gets packed before going on a road trip? You come to realize it’s crazy to ruin an evening together or a trip away over stuff like this.

KEEP IT A PARTNERSHIP.

FINISH THE FIGHT. Never go to bed mad at each other—end a fight then and there so nothing carries over into the next day. And don’t lose sight that every couple fights, it’s about how well you move on and process things that matters.

SUPPOERT EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS. Having separate interests is key to a happy marriage. 

REMAIN FRIENDS. For a marriage to be successful, both husband and wife need to view themselves as partners—you are no longer just yourself, you have another half to constantly consider.

ACKNOWLEDGE WHO YOU ARE MARRYING. Be sure you’re marrying your friend. You need to really, really, really like the person you are marrying just the way they are as there’s no changing someone after the fact.

KEEP THE NORTH STAR IN SIGHT. Be determined to see it through—divorce is never an option. Be willing to follow the journey.

Those married people put in a lot of work!! One BIG reason they probably made it to 25 years of marriage and beyond, is they never called or entertained that their marriage was in a 'murder phase." All of the work they put into each other, and marriage was for it to LIVE, not DIE. 

Whether the seven-year-itch is real or not, an itch is just that, an itch. Itches go away even without scratching. Marriages can go well beyond the honeymoon phase with thought and effort. Prime numbers be damned! You picked each other for a reason. They were your ONE. Surely, those 15 annoying things they do, do not outweigh the fact that they chose you and you chose them.

Do Men Need Silence To Survive?

Raise your hand if you feel your man never wants to listen to you or seems to tune out when you talk. Is it you? Well, it has been me.

One day while I was TALKING to my husband he became frustrated. This was nothing new. No matter the topic I would endeavor to discuss with him, he would become frustrated. A thought came to my mind. Many women complain their husband doesn't talk to them or seem to tune them out when they are speaking. This "general"experiences of women with their husbands have left them frustrated for years. Why do men "tune out" or become agitated when women are speaking?

A light bulb went off in my head. Can there be a genetic component to women being able to LISTEN and men to TUNE OUT.

Mothers are exceptional beings. They have a HEARING capacity that goes beyond scientific explaination. A mother can detect the difference and significance of her child's voice, laughter, or cry. They know just by hearing if their child is in danger, sick, happy, anxious, or sad. They are in TUNE to verbal expression. A mother's ear is always on alert for various sounds her child may make and acts accordingly.

On the other hand, we know through historical evidence, men are hunters. Hunters need silence to stalk and to kill their prey. NOISE is the enemy of men in their endeavor to kill to secure food for thier family. Also, silence is needed when men are trying to determine if danger or a threat is approaching. For men, noise meant danger or loss of a successful hunt. SILENCE was a man's partner and NEED. Not only do men avoid making any noise when hunting, they also try to be INVISIBLE to what they are hunting. Even the equipment selected to take on a hunt must not make any noise while hunting.

Men are also able to key in on the sounds their prey may make. Breaking branches as they move or the crunching of leaves as they walk. But they are FOCUSED on sounds/noise with the intentions of killing. Why would a man focus on NOISE if they are not going in for a kill or to protect? It makes no sense.

Can it be that men are wired to have an adverse reaction to NOISE and noise is the most important factor for a woman to ensure the health and safety of her offsprings? Do we as men and women have ingrained reactions to NOISE or talking for what we are wired to do as humans? Can it be that simple?

Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable.

The reasons given most often by men why they don't listen to their wives is, If it were to be generalised is…

• She doesn’t say what she means 
• She can change her mind a lot
• She can say she likes things when he knows she doesn’t 
• She can tell him what she wants and then not be happy when she gets it
• She can become emotional over the smallest of things
• She can be upset for no reason
• She can tell him she hates him one day and then loves him the next
• She can be miserable with him and instantly switch and be happy when a friend calls
• She can lie about past events
• She’s overly emotional and unreasonable
• She’s controlling

That is a lot of reasons why a man says he does not listen to a woman/spouse. The reason is ALL due to her ACTIONS and no responsibility is on HIM. Most women will tell you, as soon as she BEGINS to SPEAK, the man CHECKS OUT. He doesn't even try to listen to the topic of discussion. He is frustrated in being APPROACHED with the possibility of being in a DISCUSSION.

On the other hand, women seem to be willing to talk about any and every subject. Women are usually more verbal than men, women possess higher levels of language protein in their brains. Research shows that most women speak on average 20,000 words per day, approximately 13,000 more than the average male.

Women generally speak more quickly and devote more brainpower to verbal communication. Beware, though, when you see the word “generally”, as it refers to just 51% or more of any population. Until recently, we couldn’t biologically explain why women’s brains were more active with speech and communication. New Journal of Neuroscience findings show that a protein called FOXP2 produces speech. Researchers find 30% more FOXP2 in the brains of girls. This protein is a key molecule for communication in mammals. With this link, scientists may soon trace the evolutionary origin of human speech. Proving their sense of humor, the lead authors (a man and woman) on the study concluded that perhaps they’ve also found the reason women tend to be so much better at small talk.

Science says women are designed to TALK and we know they are designed to LISTEN.

It was found that mothers' ability to recognize their newborn from their cries increased rapidly within a few days of postpartum, with highly multiparous mothers performing better. However, both male and female non-parents could similarly recognize an assigned baby, even after a very short exposure. Researchers at the National Institutes of Health have uncovered firm evidence for what many mothers have long suspected: women’s brains appear to be hard-wired to respond to the cries of a hungry infant. A mother's reaction to the many sounds of her child seems to continue as the child grows. She is highly aware of her child's verbal communication and it's underlying meaning. Communication is vital to ensure the survival of her child and welcomed. 

Researchers asked men and women to let their minds wander, then played a recording of white noise interspersed with the sounds of an infant crying. Brain scans showed that, in the women, patterns of brain activity abruptly switched to an attentive mode when they heard the infant cries, whereas the men’s brains remained in the resting state. 

This is a difference I have recognized from my own experience and interaction with my husband and has made me wonder if men are genetically adverse to noise which includes talking which women are prone to due in excess in their opinion. Have we been riding our male companions to do something that disturbes their core being? We need men to TALK also (even without being aware of it) so we can determine their wellbeing through their speech and we feel it's being withheld which makes us feel insecure and unsafe. While men find silence crucial to their ability to feel safe and secure.

In relationships, men and women always seem to be on a different wavelegnth and oppposition. Maybe we just don't understand and work WITH the way we may both be wired to survive.

Powerful Manhood

 

Welcome to Leap Year 2024.

Gals get ready. It's your turn. You are allowed to ask that special someone for their hand in marriage.

What is a leap year? To be a leap year, the year number must be divisible by four - except for the end -of-the century years, which must be divisible by 400. This means that the year 2000 was a leap year, although 1900 was not. 2024, 2028, 2032 and 2036 are all leap years. More importantly, it is a year when women are okay'd to propose to men, in theory.

According to new research published by Up at The O2, 11 million Brits say it’s time to abolish the antiquated tradition of men proposing to women. Commissioned ahead of Leap Day (February 29th) - a calendar date that comes round just once every four years - the data shows that nearly one in five women in committed relationships have thought about taking the lead and proposing to their male partners this year. That is in Britain, not everywhere in the world.

Women in Finland are advised to propose only on leap year day, -- Feb. 29 -- for good luck. If her boyfriend should refuse, he is required to pay her a "fine": enough fabric to make a skirt.

In Scotland, an unmarried Queen Margaret allegedly enacted a law in 1288 allowing women to propose on leap-year day. But there was a catch: The proposer had to wear a red petticoat (a skirt under her skirt) to warn her intended that she planned to pop the question. Maybe so he could run!!! Perhaps the most well-known of the leap-year marriage superstitions belongs to Ireland, where, again, women are advised to propose only on Feb. 29 for good luck. 

In America, ever since the feminist revolution of the '70s, cracks have been appearing in that monolith (of men only proposing), and the 2020s may be the decade in which that outdated supposition finally falls. Women proposing to their male partners is nothing new, but still rare. Recent surveys show that in straight married couples, only 5 percent of women proposed. But attitudes are changing, and pretty soon, women may claim equal access to the uniquely heart-fluttering, mouth-drying experience also known as popping the question. A full 70 percent of men would welcome their female partner proposing marriage, a 2015 survey by Glamour found. 

But hold on, There's more to this Leap Year saga. Many believe it is unlucky to get married on a Leap Year or tie the knot on a Leap Day! The Greeks and Italians believe that marrying on a leap day will lead to bad luck. The Greeks believe that most marriages celebrating the anniversary will lead to divorce. As for the Italians, leap year is reportedly when women are erratic.

Fellas, The Chinese are not on your side in dodging Leap Year 2024. 2024 will be celebrated as the ‘Year of the Wood Dragon’. The positive qualities of wood (like growth and flexibility), combined with the inspiring traits of the mythical animal ensure that 2024 will be filled with opportunities for personal growth, happiness and fortune. Year of the Wood Dragon is particularly great for forging strong bonds and lasting love.

There are a couple of reasons why 2024 is the luckiest year to get married, as per chinese zodiac. Firstly 2024 (2+0+2+4) adds up to 8 – a number which symbolises infinite love between husband and wife. Secondly, 2024 is a leap year, which is considered prosperous for couples tying the knot. Lastly, it’s a bliss to tie the knot in 2024 as it falls on a Saturday. Saturdays are considered to be the most popular day of the week to get married as they’re blessed by Saturn – the planet of commitment and marriage. SORRY.

Where did all of this Leap Year stuff begin? Bachelor's Day, sometimes known as Ladies' Privilege, is an Irish tradition by which women are allowed to propose to men on Leap Day, 29 February, based on a legend of Saint Bridget and Saint Patrick. It once had legal basis in Scotland and England. I'm sure men headed to the hills when the calander had the infamous Leap Year.

Even with such history behind Leap Year, men don't like it. From 1904 into the 1960s, shame and ridicule made it difficult for women to take advantage of the opportunity to propose to men. Critics held that women who asked men to marry them were desperate, aggressive, and unfeminine." In an age of increasing equality for women, it would seem that offering special permission to propose once every four years would be laughable at best, and insulting at worst.

The question I asked was, "When were men given sole power to decide and determine when to get married?" There IS a reason recorded as to WHY a man gets down on one knee to propose. It's a tradition dating back to medieval times when a knight dropped to one knee as a sign of respect for royalty. Proposing on “bended knee” is a show of respect for a future bride and the act also signifies loyalty and devotion.

There is a history of getting ENGAGED. The modern Western form of the practice of giving or exchanging engagement rings is traditionally thought to have begun in 1477 when Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor, gave Mary of Burgundy a diamond ring as an engagement present. 

There is a REASON the father of the intended bride is asked for his permission to marry his daughter. A man asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage was establishedm from the anachronistic notion that women were once considered property. In fact, even if couples were marrying for love, women were considered to be under the control of men and needed permission from their fathers to leave the family home.

 There's a history of the first RECORDED marriage. Most couples didn't marry because they were in love, but rather for economic liaisons. According to The Week, the institution of marriage is over 4,350 years old. The first recorded marriage took place in 2350 B.C. in Mesopotamia.

There is a biblical explaination for WHY people would get married. Companionship is the first purpose of marriage..marriagemm mmmama marriage. Genesis2:18, the Lord said it wasn't good for man to be alone. God designed marriage so that man and woman could have a close relationship. And least we forget, marriage was given the purpose to be fruitful and multiply. “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth’” (Genesis 1:28).

There is no history I found, which answers concretely why men have the domain of being the one to extend an offer of marriage. But there is a logical answer.

From the earliest history, women were not the ones who had wealth. Men were workers and earned income. Property and money were passed down to sons in the family unit. Women did not own property or work jobs which allowed them the ability to care for themselves financially. Even though there is an adage about 'purse strings,' which is definitely feminine, men controlled the money for centuries.

The famous line spoken by the character Blanche Dubois, in A Streetcar Named Desire, said "Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers,"sums up the plight of women in the past. Their lives DEPENDED on a man choosing 'them' to marry. Women have done everything imagineable in attempts to secure security through marriage. In essence, women competed against each other fiercely to obtain the best marriage proposals from men of financial means.

Even after women were allowed to own property and not be in the catagory OF property, the tradition of the man proposing stuck. In modern times, marriage is no longer viewed as necessary to being fruitful and multiplying nor for companionship.

I titled this post as Powerful Manhood because, part of men living into manhood is being a provider, protector, and procreator. Manhood is demonstrated best in RELATIONSHIPS in having someone to provide for, protect, and procreate with. The GENESIS MAN, a term I have coined, was instructed in the Christian Bible to 1) leave his parent's house, 2) find a companion (to bring to his own established home), and 3) have children (not out of wedlock). That is powerful manhood. 

Men still hold the power when it comes to proposing, Leap Year or not. It is a big step when he does propose and should not be taken lightly. I hope every man enters ther proposal with the mindset of POWERFUL MANHOOD.

Don't forget to buy my book, When Will Eve Be Forgiven?, and please like, share, comment. and follow. See you next blog post. Thank you.