Are You an Only child?

     Of all of the birth orders I have written about the first-born, middle child, last-born, the only child sounds totally out there in the weeds.

    The scientists are all over the place trying to nail down the traits of the only child. One minute they say this and the next minute they say that. As I researched this child, I even shook my head thinking this can't be right.

So, let's dive in.

ONLY CHILD Psychologists G. Stanley Hall and E.W. Bohannon were two of the earlier psychologists to study the only child looking for characteristics they possessed. Hall gathered from his research and has said being an only child was a "disease itself" and Bohannon said they have a "marked tendency to peculiarities" that are of the "disadvantageous" variety. Ouch. That has to sting. 

    Their research findings went on to describe the only child as spoiled, self-absorbed, selfish, maladjusted, bossy, antisocial, and lonely. They have trouble getting along with coworkers, they display hypersensitivity to criticism, and have poor social skills. In a community sampling it was reported children between the ages of 6-11 had a greater risk of mental disorders. Thankfully Hall's and Bohannon's work was eventually discredited, and their research considered flawed.

Did I scare the crap out of all of you only children? 

    Dr. Kevin Lamar, who I have used as my resource for the characteristic traits on birth order, says the only child is just a first-born times ten. You can exhale now. They are reliable, conscientious, list makers, don't like surprises, and are little adults by age 7.

    Psychologist Toni Falbos research showed only children surpassed children with siblings in their achievements, character, intelligence, adjustment, sociability, and parent-child relationship. They have proven to be smarter, more autonomous, more well-behaved, and more mature than their peers. They are usually wise beyond their years. And there happens to be a rise in only children. Parents/single parents are opting to have one child and parents of one child report having more marital satisfaction.

    Only children have higher achievement motivation due to their greater share of parental resources, expectations and scrutiny exposing them to greater reward and greater likelihood of punishment for falling short. You can never say "She/He did it." No no. It was you and only you.

    It must be noted that only children who grew up in the one child policy China had, are found to be less trusting, less trustworthy, less likely to take risks, less competitive, less optimistic, less conscientious, and more prone to neuroticism. Being exposed to other children such as cousins, children in the neighborhood, or childcare was not a substitute for siblings.

    There is a consensus that only children are sensitive and get their feelings hurt easily and prefer older children as playmates or adult company. The only child has shown that they can think outside of the box and display creativity. Adult only children need affirmation and positive feedback in the way their parents gave them affirmation and feedback as a child. In social settings it takes them a little time to warm up, but they are capable of being sociable.

WHAT TO KNOW AS AN ONLY CHILD.

1.    Don't beat yourself up for failures

2.    Be open to new ideas

3.    You don't always have to take the lead

4.    Be open to relationships/friendships in your own age group

5.    Know conflict can be positive and can't be avoided all of the time. Don't run. Learn to problem               solve

6.    Learn to have thicker skin

7.     Learn to ask for help

8.    Be able to admit when you are wrong

9.     Learn to share and compromise

10.    Recognize it is okay to need and have alone time

    Parents are encouraged to avoid overindulging their only child, do not treat them like a fellow adult in the household before they are adults, socialized them with their peers, have realistic expectations of/for them, give them chores to teach responsibility, and don't be their constant source of entertainment. I don't know about other parents but for 5 or six years I was my child's jungle gym. They were always climbing on me or over me for fun. I was the only one in the entire house who could watch Barney or Comfy Couch and all of the Disney movies with them. I was their favorite TOY. I was their entertainment against my will. To tell the truth, you will miss those torturous times once they are grown. I don't know of a teen child who doesn't dump you as a parent for some other form of entertainment. They don't even remember wanting you with them, playing with them. You will become the not 'fun' person. Don't worry about that one. 

    There you have it. The only child in all of their glory. Many birth order researchers have said whenever there is at least a ten-year age gap between sibling then each child will have the traits of an older child. I know one family with three first-born children due to their spacing within the family. Many people suggest only children are lonely, but research shows they are very adept at keeping themselves amused and enjoy alone time. this is the one group of children where it is emphasized there are many incorrect stereotypes. 

    I believe only children are falling victim to HATERS because they have the parent's undivided attention and resources. They don't have to experience sibling rivalry or sharing clothes or wearing hand-me-downs. They get to experience close knit parent relationships and are very close to their parents. This hating has led people to believe incorrectly they cannot possibly know how to share anything and act like brats because they are used to being paid all of the attention but didn't we say that about the first-born and last-born?

    Every child go through struggles as their bodies and mind grows. There are many factors besides birth order affecting them as they grow. The one thing that remains important for all children is that they feel safe and loved while they grow into adults. I hope in some way I have influenced you to take a moment and ponder your own birth order and what it can mean as well as your child's birth order if you have children. Sometimes parenting can become overwhelming and intense as we try to get it right. I just wanted to bring a little levity and insight to the process. Thank you for reading my series on birth order.

Last Born Birth Order Part 3

 

Welcome to my world peasants. This is something you may hear my last born say. Whether she is joking or serious you will never be quite certain about. The only thing you know for sure is there is more to come. A whole lot more. 

THE LAST BORN The youngest children of the family are typically the outgoing charmers, the personable manipulators. They are also affectionate, uncomplicated, and sometimes a little absentminded. Their approach to life is to get laughs, smiles, and shakes of the head. A typical characteristic of the last born is that they are more carefree, vivacious. They are a real 'people person' who is usually popular in spite of or because of their clowning antics.

    Last-born carry the curse of not being taken very seriously by their families or by the world at large. The last born has a burning desire to make an important contribution to the world. The first-born's biggest influence on them are mom and dad, for the middle child it's friends, for the last child, it's the world at large. They need to impress or be validated by a larger/wider circle of people.

    By the time the last child arrives, mom and dad are not that easy to impress. They have had all of the firsts before such as the first crawl, the first tooth, the first steps and probably wonder why it is taking the last born so long to get all of the firsts over with. Even toilet training becomes a rush job. The baby of the family knows they are behind the others in all activities and functions. They have to work harder to impress mom and dad. By the time the last child comes, them making a poo poo isn't the cutest thing ever seen or smearing their food all over their face as they learn to eat on their own.

    So, the only thing to do about it is to laugh or make others laugh. They get ATTENTION by being charming and funny or by making a mess of things, but they crave attention.

    If you are the parent of the baby of the family, you may notice they ask "Why" it seems to no end. You may think it's you who has just been asked why so many times by the prior children that the last child's whys are wearing on your nerves. It's not you. The baby questions the order of things and develop a "revolutionary personality" questioning everything at nauseum. And the questions never end. They are persistent and they keep pushing until they get what they want be it an answer to their question or an item, or to have permission to go somewhere. They are never above enlisting tears or a tantrum. I bet they are fun to be married to.

    Last-born children choose a different path than their older siblings to avoid direct competition and you can find them in creative professions and the performing arts. Many become actors and performers on some level.

    They may grow up expecting others to take responsibility. This is due to the parents asking the experienced older siblings to do tasks faster and competently instead of taking the time teaching the task at hand to the inexperience youngest of the family. So, the baby learns how to enlist people into service, getting them to do things for them. They have grown to expect others to do things for them. They are not life's volunteers.

    You may be believing there is nothing positive about the last-born child. But, every baby, even babies of the animal kingdom are adorable, even baby hyenas. Last-born is likeable, fun to be around, easy to talk to, they read others well, they do well in social settings, tenacious, caring, wants to help (not take responsibility though), like praise, relaxed, genuine, uncomplicated, confident, good at problem solving (I guess from asking so many questions), trustworthy, entertaining, free-spirited and funny. See. There are good things on their list.

    The negative for them are they are manipulative, flaky, undisciplined, push too hard, gullible, easy to take advantage of, make decisions with too much feeling and too little thought, self-centered, temperamental, spoiled, attention seekers, and impatient 

TIPS FOR THE LAST BORNS 

1. Accept responsibility for yourself, grow up. 

2. Many last borns are messy and need to learn how to pick up after themselves. 

3. Although last borns are people persons, they sometimes struggle with self-centeredness and need to        offer to help others, follow through with the help and to do it without fanfare. 

4. Beware of being too independent. Work on admitting your faults and don't blame others for your            situation when you know you're the one who really caused it. 

5. Always be aware of your gift to be funny, charming, and persuasive. 

6. If you love the limelight, be advised that other people like a little of it for themselves now and then. 7. Before marriage, try dating other first borns, you may find them the most compatible.

    When my last child was born, I admit I was in a hurry for her to hold her own bottle, to learn to walk and watch TV. more on her own. My last child happened to be the most demanding child and took her time in all things. But when she is in a room there is electric sunshine. She is the most social of all of my children and she does get away with so much. She wore makeup before she was sixteen--a rule all the other girls had to go through. A smile from her changes things. My life is so rich for having her in it.

    I myself, being the last child, have been accused of hoarding the spotlight. It is not something that I try to do, but I guess it is something that I do--do. I consider myself spoiled and would not have it any other way. Not spoiled by my parents but by my husband and children. As a young girl I set my wedding date in my mind to be in November. My birthday is in October, November would be my anniversary, then Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day---presents for me non-stop. Guess what? My anniversary is in November. I didn't even have to manipulate my potential husband into marrying me in November. It just happened. Both he and I kept procrastinating, due to our personalities and work schedules. My mother picked the date and minister and pretty much told us to show up and we did relieved we didn't have to do it ourselves. DO YOU THINK I MARRIED A LAST BORN? I'll leave that as a mystery.

    I hope you have enjoyed looking at the characteristics of the birth order. If you want to read more on the topic, check out "The Birth Order Book" by Dr. Kevin Leman who is a proud last-born child. The book also talks about how birth order affects marriages.

This was supposed to be just a 3-part series, but I realized I left out the only child. We must not forget them. Stayed tuned for a look at what traits an only child may have.

Middle Child Birth Order Part 2

 

Parenting is not an exact science. There is not a manual handed out in the delivery room. Most of us do what our parents did as parents. While watching a documentary on the cannibal serial killer, Jeffery Daumer, his mother was very agitated at the idea of others blaming her parenting skills for her son's actions. Did I say parenting is difficult? 

    We should never stop trying to improve our parenting skills, we owe it to our children. Every little insight in this endeavor of being mom and dad should be weighed for its value in helping your child to grow up happy and healthy. 

    In my first part of this 3-part series of birth order, I discussed the first-born child, the golden child. The middle child is neither golden nor special like the oldest and baby of the family. The middle child falls in a type of no man's land of description. They are neither precious, able, oldest, nor considered vulnerable like the youngest child of the family. Their strength is they learn to be more flexible and sociable and learn to compromise and build coalitions. Middle children tend to be more relaxed. They become skilled negotiators, social butterflies, fairness-obsessed, and peacemakers. They are Switzerland.

    The MIDDLE CHILD, better described as the "iffy" child, is hard to pin down. It can be said of the middle child that they were either born too late or too early. They fall into that no man's land of not being the first-born, the star of the family, in which mom and dad lavish attention on them over the meagerest of accomplishments and the baby they cherish for just coming in last. Too late to get privileges and special treatment of the first-born and too early to benefit from the relaxed rules of discipline most of the last born enjoy. 

    There is not an easy list of personality traits to attach to the middle child because they are most directly influenced by the first-born child and that pattern continues to roll downhill. The third child will be influenced by the second child and so forth until you reach the last child of the family (who is a different can of worms). 

    The middle child looks above and sizes up the older sibling. If he or she senses he can compete with the older sibling, they may do so. But if the older sibling is stronger, smarter, etc., the second born typically shoots off in another direction, making their known personality traits difficult to nail down; thus, they are "iffy." 

    So, the second born may become a pleaser or an antagonize, a victim or a martyr, or a manipulator or a controller. Any of these options are up for grabs, but one thing you can be sure of is that the second born will play off of the first-born. 

EXAMPLE: the first-born child may be perfectly compliant and the second born will be a handful. It is not unusual for the middle child to have more friends as a substitute family in which they find the attention they feel is lacking within the family structure. Friends become very important to middle children. 

    The middle child is usually the child who leaves home the quickest and is more of a free spirit giving themselves permission to reject the family's do's and don'ts at least in part. They may become mentors or even at times be manipulative. Because they could not have mom and dad all to themselves and get their way, they learn how to negotiate and compromise. 

    The middle child is apt to not be as religious as their parents and siblings and are less likely to be rebellious against their parents. They are trustworthy friends and work well in teams. When looking back to childhood as adults they tend to express negative views about their childhood. They are often the first to move out of the family home and move the furthest away. They are more open to taking risks and being open to new ideas. 

 HOW YOU AS THE MIDDLE CHILD CAN STAND YOUR GROUND

1. Middle children are the most sensitive of all the children and do not confide in many people. This can pose a problem in marriage more so than in everyday life. Learn to share your opinions and ideas with others. 

2. Less likely to seek out services from helping professionals such as psychologists, counselors, or ministers (first-born engineers and doctors lead in seeking out help, followed by last-born). Don't be so tough and independent until you will not seek out what you need.

 3. Running with the "pack" is fine when a choice group of people with values, morals, ethics is the criteria for your group of friends. Don't spread yourself too thin with all of your friends. 

4. Middle children are the kings and queens of monogamy. Enough said. Good for you.

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 5. You are prone to embarrassment and reluctant to admit it. Everyone makes mistakes and embarrassment is part of life.

    Being a middle child does have benefits. They are emotionally strong and less prone to be diagnosed with disorders like ADHD. There is nothing they can't handle. They are good marriage material. Being in the middle allows them to experience the best of both worlds. They get the wisdom of the first-born and are leaders to their younger siblings. One pulls them up and the other keeps them young. They get away with more than the older or younger children. They don't have 'helicopter parenting' like the older and younger children. They have an official Middle Child Day, August 12th, and 52% of the commanders-in-chiefs have been middle children.

    I am a mother of a middle child and we, as a family, Mom, Dad, and other siblings, put forth effort from day one to ensure that our middle child did not get lost in the shuffle or get ignored. We call her "middle baby" from time to time and joke about how she is invisible and forgotten. We can joke about it because we made sure she was neither invisible nor forgotten. 

    So, does she have any of the "iffy" characteristics of the middle child? You bet! She is the peace maker and negotiator of the family; we call her the 'glue.' She bridges everything between everyone in the house. Did she sum up her big sis? Yes, she did. She picked up her older sister's HOBBY of drawing and became a Graphic Designer while her older sister became a doctor. They bonded (eight years difference) while drawing and it is their special thing, and the student surpassed the teacher in their case. 

    She hates being embarrassed on an almost psychotic level. We had to keep an eye on her when she was young because she would be too embarrassed to tell us if she fell and hurt herself. We have been working on the embarrassment issue for years. She is not a social butterfly though; her two sisters are her best friends as she gets older her circle may expand, who knows. 

    All in all, I believe I had a stereotypical middle child, if anything the family overcompensated for our middle baby, which I'm sure there are some ramifications for. So, I have discussed the first-born and the middle child. 

The group I belong to will be discussed next: THE LAST CHILD, the bab

Are You A First Born Child?

 

     Most people will try anything to get an upper hand on life. Some resort to astrology to find out how they can better be in control of an unknowable day. Control has been the issue for man throughout history; trying to figure out how to live in a chaotic world.

     Man perfected the invention of gods that could be coaxed by spells and rituals into doing favorable deeds for him, making him feel more secure and in control. To this unobtainable goal of gaining control of life comes one more tool: understanding one's BIRTH ORDER. 

    In the Old Testament of the Christian Bible, birth order was significant because it was the first-born male child who received the family inheritance and responsibility for carrying on the family name. 

    I happen to be the "baby" of the family and find the attributes given to "babies" of the family suit me perfectly. I want to share what the scientists have to say (enven though it is considered pop psychology) about the first born, middle, and baby child of families in three installments. Today I will unearth the thoughts behind being born as the first child. I will cover the middle child next and finish with the last child born to a family. Stay with me on this enlightening journey.

    OLDEST CHILD: The two factors that owe personality traits to first-born children are: Mom and Dad. Brand new parents tend to be overprotective, anxious, tentative, and inconsistent on one side and strict in discipline, demanding, always pushing and encouraging more and better performance on the other side. 

    The "first" child is the guinea pig as Mom and Dad try to learn the fine art of parenting. For the first-born, life is real, and life is earnest. He or she is not for surprises, they prefer to know what's happening and when it is going to happen. They tend to get more attention and notoriety than any other sibling. Can you say ENTITLED?

     Anything a first-born child does is a big deal as far as Mom and Dad and other members of the family are concerned. They are usually showered with attention and identify strongly with power. Because they didn't originally have to share their parents with younger siblings, once another child is born into the family they could/would become anxious, emotionally intense, and/or prone to jealous rages. Little darlings huh?

    A common characteristic of a first-born child person is his confidence in being taken seriously by those around him. They are known for their strong powers of concentration, tolerance, and patience, and being organized and conscientious. The list also includes perfectionistic, reliable, list makers, critical, serious, scholarly, goal-oriented, achiever, self-sacrificing, people pleasers, conservative, supporters of law-and-order, believer in authority, and ritual, legalistic, loyal, self-reliant. Hey! Just CHILL already.

    The legal profession is filled with first born as well as world leaders. Another trait of first born is that they are cautious and have risk aversion, so they are less likely to be physically daring but I have found them intellectually daring and ambitious.

    Birth order affect jobs/roles one takes on in a family such as helper and confidant. The most responsibility is given to the oldest and then chronologically disperses after that. If the oldest child is a daughter, she is often viewed prematurely by her mother as a little grown up. I HATE when children are robbed of their childhood having to forego play for adult duties and responsibilities. Duties and chores are two different things.

    Firstborns are reprimanded and punished earlier and more severely than their younger siblings. Right now, first borns are nodding their heads in agreement knowing their younger sisters and brothers did not get into trouble in the same way for doing the same bad things they had done. I bet you punched them for it because your parents didn't😅

    Historically speaking, first born children were less likely to die during infancy, were less susceptible to diseases, and as adults more likely to reproduce. Alright. I have to admit that you first born do sound pretty impressive. But my time (baby) in the spotlight is coming so don't get too full of yourself.

 TIPS FOR MAKING BIRTH ORDER WORK FOR YOU THE FIRST-BORN

1. Take smaller bites of life. Do not get involved in too many activities at once. Leave time for yourself. 2. Work on saying no. Know your limits. You can't do everything and please everyone.

3. Remember, your parents may have had higher expectations for you than other siblings. It's fine to do a little less and enjoy life a little more.

4. You are known to ask a lot of questions and want all the details, this is fine, don't apologize for this trait. 

5. You are a cautious, careful person. Don't let people pressure you into jumping into things/situations when you would prefer to take your time to make a decision. 

6. If you are the serious type, try to develop a sense of humor. 

7. Never apologize for being conscientious and over organized.    To all of the first-born children whose parents tied all of their hopes and dreams in, we are sorry for using you as the benchmark for whether or not we were good parents. But, if we failed with the first child, no one could have convinced us that we would have done better with the rest of the children. Parents have a strong need to "get it right" and we do not get practice children. 

    The positive of this parenting experiment is the fact that the first born have leadership skills that can take them a long way in life. Having high expectations are good but should be framed within healthy obtainable goals. Hopefully, parents don't dream the impossible dream for their kids, but give them the encouragement to dream for themselves.