Help For Newlyweds

Just married? Okay the journey begins. You are in love. You go to the church and say those eternal words "I Do" and the two become ONE. That's the agreement right?

    After the honeymoon the terror of what it means to become ONE begins to set in, or it may be on a year delay, but it happens. The first big change men complain about is the lack of sex in a marriage. They compare the sex of the ONE to the sex they had before when they were not married and two individuals. They say the premarital sex was often and they had a good sex life. Men, you didn't get tricked, and this post and subsequent posts will help you learn what's going on. Stick with me. I got you.

    For most newly married couples, the first year of marriage is centered on SEX and lots of it. It has become a standard joke to put in a penny for each time you have sex the first year of marriage and to take a penny out the following years you have sex in the marriage and the jar is very slow to empty. Most don't believe this is possible for them and their marriage will be the one to escape the gradual decline to a little sex marriage. 

    My observations of a marriage have led me to identify the two who have become ONE as a newborn baby beginning to go through the development stages each person must go through. Each person has to go through stages of growth and development. We start as a newborn then toddler, kid, preteen, teen, young adult, adult, old age, and death. The newly formed ONE has to go through all of these stages of growth and development too. A marriage is a new beginning of two becoming ONE. The individual no longer exists as before. As each individual has to grow and develop so does the married ONE. People should understand a marriage changes people from an individual identity to a ONE identity. People should learn the stages of growth and development because their marriage, the ONE, has to master those stages to have a happy healthy marriage.

    People tell you not to lose your individuality. But marriage means to lose your own identity and become a new identity as ONE. That does not mean giving up the things that have made you an individual, but whether you accept it or not, a person cannot live feeding two different identities at the same time. One will suffer. Once married you are now a ONE and the newborn can be abandoned, neglected, ignored, or mistreated. A newborn needs a lot of attention and care and so does the first year of marriage. 

    Some people's parenting skills for when a baby cries is don't pick it up, they will stop crying on their own. Don't hold your baby all the time or they will be spoiled. A newborn is fragile, needy, and dependent. They have not yet learned how to communicate their wants, needs, nor problems. Parents must learn cues as to what a baby need. The same goes for the newly formed ONE. There has to be decisions made how the ONE is going to be cared for during this demanding growth period.

    For now, let's stick with the first year of marriage - the new entity formed from two separate beings that are now ONE. We know what a newborn is apt to go through the first year of life. Does a marriage go through the same thing? The one important thing to remember: Babies grow and change at an astounding pace. The first year of being ONE is fast and furious filled with discovery. People say once they got married, she/he changed. No. It was the newborn ONE beginning their journey of learning and growth. Look at how much is going on in a newborn's life. 
 Below data from http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/infant-development-9/stages-of-development

• Smile. Early on, it will be just to herself. But within three months, she’ll be smiling in response to your smiles and trying to get you to smile back at her.
• Raise her head and chest when on her tummy.
• Track objects with her eyes and gradually decrease eye crossing.
• Open and shut her hands and bring hands to her mouth.
• Grip objects in her hands.
• Take swipes at or reach for dangling objects, though she usually won’t be able to get them yet.

• Roll over from front to back or back to front. Front-to-back usually comes first.
• Babble, making sounds that can sound like real language.
• Laugh.
• Reach out for and grab objects (watch out for your hair) and manipulate toys and other objects with her hands.
• Sit up with support and have great head control.
• During this time period, your baby may:
• Start to crawl. This can include scooting (propelling around on his bottom) or “army crawling” (dragging himself on his tummy by arms and legs), as well as standard crawling on hands and knees. Some babies never crawl, moving directly to from scooting to walking.
• Sit without support.
• Respond to familiar words like his name. He may also respond to “No” by briefly stopping and looking at you and may start babbling "Mama" and "Dada."
• Clap and play games such as patty-cake and peekaboo.
• Learn to pull up to a standing position.
• Begin feeding herself. Babies at this developmental stage master the “pincer grasp“-- meaning they can hold small objects such as O-shaped cereal between their thumb and forefinger.
• Cruise, or move around the room on her feet while holding onto the furniture.
• Say one or two words, and "Mama" and "Dada" become specific name for parents. The average is about three spoken words by the first birthday, but the range on this is enormous.
• Point at objects she wants in order to get your attention.
• Begin “pretend play” by copying you or using objects correctly, such as pretending to talk on the phone. 
• Take her first steps. This usually happens right around one year, but it can vary greatly. 

    That is a ton of learning in a short period of time, isn't it? When two people marry and merge into ONE they are like a newborn baby just beginning to do all of the things needed for growth and development milestones of the first year of life. While dating you were two separate beings. You were operating together as two separate individuals. Both of you were still engaged in determining is this the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, so sex was part of the BAIT to capture each other and probably was happening often. It wasn't manipulation or a malicious act of deception. We all use what we have to get a mate. Everyone offers what they have to get a wife/husband. At that time of dating, the focus of an INDIVIDUAL was securing a person's undying love. Once married the focus changes. It just does and has to. People warn that SEX will change once you marry. It is true for the majority of married people.

     Once you marry and become ONE there is a reset in the relationship that you may not consciously be aware of. When you became ONE you entered the same stage as a baby experiencing things for the first time and the unified ONE should grow and continue through all the stages of growth and development. So, you can see why SEX in the first year of marriage is the most awesome game the 'infant' has going on at the time, there are many things being discovered and learned happening at a fast pace eventually in the next stage of growth and development taking the attention off of sex. 

    The infant itself is the star. It sees nothing to the left or right of itself at this time. It is completely involved with its own self. Kind of blissful if you think about it, that's why it is called the honeymoon stage of the marriage. Babies are innocent and happy and people around you expect for you to be happy before this stage of a marriage grows, changes, and progresses.

    So, in the anatomy of a marriage, we have the two people joined as ONE who enjoys smiling, playing games, just learning how to use its hands to reach, grasp, hold, point, and manipulate objects. The new 'marriage' is just now learning how to make sounds and form simple words as ONE. It does not yet know how to stand and walk. No real decisions are being made at this point of being a newborn ONE. That stage will happen as the "infant" continues to mature, A happy marriage should have this awesome time of discovery and learning.

    Many couples who have been together for years (7 plus) or cohabitated for years, skip this part of marriage once they get married. They learned how to live together for years as separate identities and enter marriage in those long-standing identities. This is my belief, not facts. Do not live together before marriage. There is no need for a trial run of an unofficial marriage. You can't have a trial run at growth and development of an undeclared ONE. Dating forever is like not giving the baby a home. You're going through the growth and development of a relationship detached, not ONE, still individual.

    For parents watching their babies in this time of growth are filled with joy. Parents do everything to help their kids cross the milestones of using hands, talking, and sitting up and we find in the married world; family and friends are reacting to the 'marriage,' to the ONE in the same way. Everyone is happy for the new couple offering advice for the success of the union. It's all smiles everywhere. People check on you asking how are things going? The baby is beautiful from the alter onward for a couple of years.

    Every married couple should have the honeymoon phase of marriage. You are in a new wonderful world as a new identity learning how to operate your body in new situations and experiences as ONE. You learn through play not arguing. There should be an atmosphere of nurturing. Everything is approached with an innocent open mind. there is no baggage. There is an understanding of mistakes while learning. Ever see a baby hit their own self  in the nose or eye with their bottle while trying to put it in their mouth? Do you notice how easy it is for them to laugh and how easy it is for them to get gravely sick? 

    The beginning of a marriage must be treated with care and knowledge that a lot of growth is happening. The ONE needs attention. You have to learn what each cry means. Yes, babies have different cries for hunger, attention, and pain and each person needs to learn them and respond appropriately not just letting the baby cry until they stop. Bonding is important letting the baby know they are connected on a deep level not possible to break. Make sure the baby is happy, healthy, and safe. Know the baby will grow and need different care for different needs and be prepared and look forward to those changes. Everyone loves a baby. Remember your new union is just like a baby. A newly formed ONE.

    Our newly formed baby ONE is on its way to walking after the honeymoon phase dies down and the infant stage is passed. What is in store for the marriage once infancy is mastered if it is and enters the toddler phase? STAY TUNED.

    What if the ONE does not learn how to form words or identify commands? What if the ONE does not learn how to track things with its eyes and follow along? What if the ONE does not learn how to control and use its body parts correctly in this all-important play stage? In the next post we will look at what happens when development in this stage does not go as it should.