I hate dreadlocks. I don’t think they should be banned, I don’t mean it in some racial stereotype way, I just don’t like them. Hate really isn’t too strong a word. Fair enough you may say - it’s just an opinion, nobody is about to make me have dreadlocks (although, nearly 20 years ago, I had them for about a year), so why does it matter? Because my wife wants dreadlocks. In fact, she’s getting them right now, whilst I sit at work trying not to think about it.
It feels as if I’ve gone out to work, to avoid seeing my partner violated.
I’ve struggled to make this clear to myself, and to my wife so I’m trying to frame things on the page. I don’t know if it will work any better.
I don’t need to justify hating dreadlocks. Some people hate the Mona Lisa. Some people hate the color purple. Some people really hate The Beatles. That’s ok, that’s their opinion. It’s a product of their upbringing, their culture, the books they read, the films they watch & the company they keep. It doesn’t matter what people like in the realm of the aesthetic because it’s just an opinion.
I still hate dreadlocks.
My wife didn’t have dreadlocks until today. I find her incredibly attractive. I always have. Since way, way before we were together.
I’ll always love her. I’d love her if she had no hair, if she shaved the left side of her head and painted it green, if she had a mohican (I did, for 6 months, I’ve had many foolish hair cuts).
When I get home tonight I’ll find her appearance less attractive.
When I walk in the door I’ll find her appearance uglier.
We’ve talked and argued about this back and forth for months now. When she said to me - “I’m thinking about getting dreadlocks” the comments included:
“I will find you less attractive”
“I won’t want to touch you”
Color me judged but true, every one. You, dear reader, can’t scoff and say this wouldn’t happen to you. You can’t tell me that no part of the attraction you feel for your partner is based on aesthetics. It almost certainly was a significant factor in you starting a relationship, it may be less important as that relationship matures, but it’s still there, it’s still important. It still *matters*.
There will be something, something within the realms of possibility, that could, possibly, make you feel as strongly as I do.
I also said:
“I don’t want you to change your mind on something you really want, based on my opinions. Your hair, is *your* hair. It’s nothing to do with me, I get no say in it, do what you want.”
It’s true. The conflict between the two voices is causing immense torment in my head.
What would happen if my wife felt as strongly about a proposed haircut of mine? Would I “back down” (the very phrase shows the animosity) or would I say “It upsets you so much, I won’t have it done, even though I don’t agree”.
If my wife said she wouldn’t kiss me if I grew a beard, I wouldn’t grow a beard.
I’ve been unable to rationalise her decision into my world view. I’m still angry and upset about it now, as much as I ever have been. Maybe this is a phobia of some sort, maybe that’s why I’m so anti dreadlocks.
I feel my wife has deliberately spoiled her beauty. I feel sad. I’m not sure what to do about it.
****authorization to use this commentary by author still pending*** by http://www.tetsugaku.info/blog/399
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