Birthday Gift for Oprah Winfrey

  

   Happy 70th Birthday Oprah Winfrey. What present can you give a woman who has everything? Give her one of her favorite things - READ a book which encourages positive self-change.

    I found this great book What Happy Women Know by Dan Baker, Ph.D. which I have suggested to people on my 'Get Caught Reading Campaign'. There is a great tool in the book I think will free women from some self-torture in their lives and its the acronym VERB

V= Victimization
E= Entitlement
R= Rescue
B= Blaming

    One important thing to know is there has never been a happy victim. We can choose to wallow or get stuck in the heartaches of life and yes, even the tragedies of life or we can find a way to transcend these rough and tumble times and channel it into something that brings meaning to our life or even better, into the lives of others. A person may be victimized, which happens and is woefully unfair, but choosing not to adopt a lifestyle of victim is a step in reclaiming life back. It is a return to thriving in life instead of just surviving life.

    To live a happy life, we need to check our feelings/beliefs of entitlement at the door. Entitlement believes the world owes me/you something. None of us are the center of the universe and thinking so leads to us sitting around being miserable when what we hoped for doesn't come our way. Entitlement is a stunting, passive approach to life. A fulfilling life and happy life has goals and working to accomplish those goals understanding it is the hard work that makes them become reality. When our dreams and goals rely mainly on another person showing you favor or waiting for lucky breaks to happen for you, will lead to feelings of being let down. Expecting others to hand you your dreams and desires just because its you, will lead to unhappiness when they don't.

    When we were children, all of the fairytales we read or our parents read to us had a hero. The stories were exciting and we waited for the hero to show up and make everything alright. Many of us are still waiting on heros in our own lives. Rescue is waiting for somebody or something to save you, putting the responsibility onto the shoulders of someone else. You have to rescue yourself from that horrible job or not finding the right mate. You need to make the changes in your own life which you know will make you happy instead of waiting to be rescued. Waiting, looking longingly for your rescuer who is taking forever to come and save you from the life you have makes you more unhappy each day they still have not shown up.

    Finally, blame unloads a sense of responsibility on someone else. Once a person gets stuck in the go no where thinking of my problems and my unhappiness, is caused by or due to someone elses actions or lack of actions. Of course there are actions people may do or not do that do cause problems or unhappiness in your life, but you can not remain indefinitely a blame cycle. Decisions and actions to be in control of your life to your fullest ability, will help you to not get stuck in the blame game which does not lend a person to self-reflection and positive changes. Blaming distracts a person form living and achieving because they become sidetracked into bitterness and sometines revenge where VERB has taken up residence within.

    In the context of revenge, you become the victim of your own misery, you feel entitled to something better, you are waiting for someone to rescue you. and you can't wait to lay blame on the person who put you in that position in the first place. Chapter 5, pages 93-96.

    Happy women have to know many things, but the good point is-they are a few simple things. One thing is how to react to people and situations in life. You have to decide whether your response is going to always go to anger or frustration. There are so many things you can become angry about in any given day. The next thing you know, you are an angry person. A person gets to decide their response to setbacks or events they find difficult or unfair. 

    Don't let life build you into an angry bitter person. You can have the feeling without being led by it. You don't have to voice every angry feeling you have. Adjust yourself not to be in the situation by changing you. If you have a friend or familiy member who always says something to make you mad, well, don't hang around that person or accept they will be offensive, and you won't react. Just move the conversation along to something else. It is your choice leading to your own unhappiness deciding to continue to engage someone who always angers you. You are making your ownself unhappy. 

    Dumb people irritate you? Well, why are they in your circle? And if you must be around dumb people, you should be compassionate and realize they are unable to do better. Why are you, the smart person, not behaving like a smart person recognizing limitations in others. Your expectations, even demand for a person to be smart is like asking a rock to give water. Who is the dumb person?

    Make right choices for you regardless of what others are doing without having to declare it. Move in your peace and competence. You get to choose your reactions. A peaceful person acts peaceful no matter what is happing around them. Being a peaceful person does not mean being a doormat. You make choices that bring you peace not trying to change the other person which you can't and it's not your job. Anger is not needed to make choices. Everyone has the right to be who they are whether it upsets you or not. You have the choice of your response to them and always being angry doesn't fix anything. 

    I think this is a wonderful book and surprise surprise; it is not a male bashing book. It is a book more focused on how much of your energy are you going to expend on things and people that does not make you happy.

    I learned how to quilt, bake, can fruits, and other things because it was what all of the other women around me did and seemed happy doing. I hated quilting and baking and all of the other things that were supposed to define me as a woman and I went through the VERB dance feeling like a victim, I was entitled to a better life that did not include sewing and sweating in a hot kitchen. I wanted my husband to rescue me and say 'oh, honey, I think you are just as much of a woman even if you can't do all of those things'. I blamed  myself for living in the community that encouraged traditional sex roles even though I actually loved and felt safe in raising my children in the community. Was I happy? Not in the least. Could I have been happy? Absolutely. What I needed to do was just stop doing the things I didn't like doing and continue doing what I enjoyed. When I decided traditional sex roles were not for me - nothing happened. My husband and children were fine whether I baked or not and when a blanket for a bed was needed, we just bought one. 

    Happy women understand the importance of having personal power, which means their lives belong to them. I had no one holding a gun to my head telling me to quilt or can fruit. And I learned I had many more qualities that fulfilled my definition of what a woman was/is, and it is a very satisfying list to/for me. 

    Don't let life make you bitter. Choose how you move in this world regardless of what's happening outside of you. You are the one who feeds your HAPPY. You are the one who removes what you can't tolerate in your life or accept it without complaint. Nothing or no one is perfect. Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic and need to be changed. Our expectations disappoint us more than people do.

    So, happy birthday Oprah and many more to come. Thank you for encouraging us to read and grow in every way possible.